Match the Crazy Pet with its Unstable Owner.

Below are a list of pets and owners. If you match them correctly it might be time to get a new pet.

Pets:

1. A three legged cat with a penchant for eating moths. Likes to sit next to front door of people across the way. People across the way are creeped out by cat. Cat once defenestrated from second story window while lunging for a juicy moth. Shaken but unhurt, cat's behavior has required the purchase and installation of impact resistant window screens.

2. A mixed breed dog who enjoys eating itself when bored. Scared of and tries to bite the following: fireworks, buses, overweight grandmothers. Once tunneled way out of backyard, severely injuring eye in the process. Constant vet bills due to self-injury have necessitated purchasing health insurance for dog with low deductible. Enjoys running away and barking while dreaming.

3. A variegated pastel female bird who hates females of any species. She conversely loves males of any species. The sweatier the better. If she sees a sweaty guy she flies right onto him. Then prances up and down his shoulders cooing. She goes from guy to guy with a flutter, never thinking about anybody else. Except females of course. When she encounters another female of any species she tries to peck their eyes out. A bit of a problem for the owner, requiring frequent confinement and a retainer with a lawyer specializing in naughty pets.

4. A turtle who yearns for things a day trip away. Turtle is never satisfied sitting in a box eating its gourmet turtle pellets. Every waking minute turtle tries to get out of box. When let out of box turtle fixates on something at the other end of the apartment and begins to lumber to it. Unfortunately turtle averages about a room a day so never achieves objective. Also is stymied by anything that gets in its way, like a table leg or an electrical cord. Wanting the unachievable is communicable to others, who always pick him up and lift him over to what he wants. But once at the object of his interest, turtle turns and finds something else to wander toward.

5. A supposedly crime fighting pig who in fact just wants to eat people's faces off. This pig was raised since it was a piglet in with a suburban family. Once a couple of pounds it now weighs over three hundred. One day it scared off a burglar and the news cameras showed up to do a story on the crime fighting pig. But in reality the pig just wanted to eat the burglar's face off. The pig wants to eat the face off anybody. But nobody has let it. Yet.

Owners:

A) A nonprofit administrator with an obsession with the fertilizer potential of pet poop. This person constantly thinks about pet poop properties when their pet takes a poop. Why not use pet poop to fertilize gardens and parks? This person has developed plans for municipal pet composting centers. Here people who collect pet poop can come and get 10 cents a pound while contributing to the fecundity of municipal greenery.

B) A parent of four children in a single parent household. This person believes that every member of the household should be ranked and updated rankings should be made public every Monday morning. Household rankings include pets. Those with higher ranking receive the first pick of food, recreation and sleeping arrangements. Those with low rankings must sleep outside and clean carpet stains.

C) A lawyer who loves their pet so much they have no other friends. Lawyers have few friends to begin with, but this pet-owning lawyer is so overwhelmed by their pet that they do nothing but spend time with it Picture of pet sits on this person's desk. Picture of pet has been put on a well worn T-shirt. Person typically smells like pet. Person constantly day dreams about escaping the rat race, buying an old VW van and traveling the world with pet.

D) A restaurant manager from Wichita who only dates people their pet approves of. Potential daters must stand in a room alone with pet and begin to sing a Mariah Carey song. If pet retreats and feigns sleep, dating does not commence. This person also forces new hires at restaurant to memorize and recite on demand salient facts related to pet. These include, what is pet's favorite TV show, pet's least favorite neighbor and pet's romantic history.

E) A librarian in a major metropolitan area. Presently writing a novel in verse starring pet. This requires researching pet's movements for days at a time. This has necessitated the installation of an expensive, omnipresent video surveillance system. This person reviews tape late at night and has recently begun to consider abandoning novel in verse idea. Instead this person wants to edit down the thousands of hours of surveillance footage into a reality show starring pet. Tentative title: Nap, Poop, Eat: The Sam saga.

Please match the owners with their pets in the comments section. Winners will be announced shortly. Winners receive a gift certificate to a posh pet accessory store in Hollywood, CA.