The buttock summer fashion update

Cassie Bass

These new jeans are fitting nicely around people's backsides lately. Jeans do not always make asses look great, so when a mad genius finds a design to shapely mold buttocks, we rejoice. And inhale its sweet fruit. A juicy caboose is mighty fine. It emits a sweet gas as it rolls on down the line. Remember, a hot ass must get around. Reach out to those who are starved for it.

This leads us to a question from Dekalb, IL: When were asses invented? Trick question. They were not invented but rather sculpted on the planes of beautiful Africa. Here the first cheeks were chiseled in the tall grass where lions crept and caribou grazed. Here is where homo sapien sapiens first knelt down before exquisite gluteus maximus and said, "It is life. And it is good."

Then we were thrown out of paradise. Fast forward to modern day. Now we look at asses so ugly and terrifying it as if they attempt to attack us from worn spandex seams. But occasionally hot butts still come our way. And when we look upon one we see a reflection of our common ancestor, the first woman who begat the entire human race. Her name was Luca and as legend has it, her ass was un-buh-buh-lievable.

But back to today's asses. Big and plump are definitely in right now. Even little bitty butts are trying to fluff it up. That is where these new jeans come into play. These jeans have managed to hoist and swell even the most modest of cheek. In my book a fashion legend has been born. Congratulations to whoever you are. You have made us who need a lot of hot ass very happy indeed.

In terms of this summer's ass temperament, I saw some lazy ass strolling at the park the other day. There is something intrinsically compelling about a fat lazy ass. A bit sullen. What people forget is the immensity of the butt muscle, our body's biggest. When it flexes it has the power to smack a thousand mouths into anguished ecstasy.

Remember the following to have this summer's hottest ass. Think moist and insouciant with post traumatic stress syndrome. Aspire to as indifferent as the weather permits. Garnish with a twist of insolence. Keep your ass surly and you will fill gapers with awe and wonder.

##^^##