A Theater Life for You?

Cassandra Burnheart

The theater is an ancient art form. The first people to perfect the dramatic urge were the ancient Greeks. Do you need a drama where a guy boffs his mommy, doffs his daddy and then pokes his eyes out? One where a city's leading ladies go on a sex strike until their lovers stop killing each other? Where the gods kill the children of the ambitious to teach them a lesson? Ancient Greek is by definition classic.

Then of course there is William Shakespeare. He of the blood spotted hands and succulent slaughter speeches. He never shied away from a good wiener joke either. He teaches us ultimately to stay away from young lovers. They tend to attract mischievous wood nymphs.
Today the dramatic tradition lives on in great theaters across the globe. And sometimes you can see naked people. And sometimes if you date an actor your parents can see your lover naked on stage. One of many delights the theater life provides.

You need to be there sometimes. You need to feel Eugene O'Neil's spit flying or touch a flying actress in an adaptation of Bulgakov. You also need to be there to steal some good lines. I saw this one play about the nervous breakdown of a coffee chain manager. In the end he is reduced to repeating: "You have no new tale to tell!" I use that line to this day whenever appropriate. Another example of how the theater gives back.

But what about the other side to this never-ending performance? Behind the grease paint, on the hot side of the lights, the place you go after you leave sanity. Yes, a career in the dramatic arts is for those rare born souls. It is for those compelled to deeply search the human heart. And become very afraid indeed.

If you are unsure you have what it takes, think about joining your local theater troupe. You might not be a star, but you will hear fun tales of desperation, degradation and then getting an equity card.

This begs the question. What if we join a theater, meet a fellow troop member, rub up against hizzer a few times and pilfer their Phantom of The Opera tour jacket? Should we give our whole hearts to them? Experience teaches us that while the performance in the bedroom 'sizzles' you end up having to watch experimental theater. What is experimental theater? It is a play directed by an alcoholic, produced by a megalomaniac, written by a sex addict and acted by a theater group which agrees on only one thing: turn Brett Easton Ellis' Glamorama into a musical.

If you are presently loving up a dramatic artist: tread lightly and carry a big stick. They are not as bad as musicians but definitely worse than painters. You will get licked by heaven but also lick hell off a public bathroom floor.

We should not think of the theater as just custodial care for assorted misfits, loners and aspiring royalty. No, the theater is about the applause at the end of the show. This is the 'ring bling' that keeps the game going. It is a rare juice to which certain misanthropes become addicted. So why not go out to the theater tonight and give it up for love?

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