Your 'Saturday co-ed social league' flag football team scouting report.

Quarterback: Over competitive former high school football star who tends to throw interceptions at the worst time. Strong arm, good eye, but usually hungover and prone to fits of petulance. Susceptible to taunts of "You blew that playoff game against Evanston 11 years ago, didn't you?"

Running back: Fireplug shaped girl with softball/soccer background. Slow first step, but deceptively vicious, especially with elbows to the soft bits. Has been known to pass the ball on trick plays. Propensity to fight with teammate boyfriend. Will fumble the ball if her ample backside is groped while reaching for flag.

Guard: Overweight guy with no discernible athletic talent. Throws great parties after game so it is not advised to injure or humiliate him.

Center: Large, slow guy with a knack for illegal holding and flagrant spitting. Has usually started drinking by game time. Impervious to insult and taunts, can easily handle two or more regular sized people. Due to misplaced sense of honor, will not rough up girls, who can frequently get around him.

Split End: Lonely girl looking for love on a co-ed social league football team. Intense office worker type, rarely involved in the play, but does know the rules extremely well if an argument arises.

Wide Receiver: Former college basketball player who takes everything way too seriously. His coordinated outfit and overpriced gloves are a dead give away. In too good of shape, he will require several different defenders over the course of a game. Long, lanky, great hands, but easily put off his game with cheap shots and dirty play.

Tight end: She is former cheerleader and powder puff football league MVP. Frighteningly good looking and maliciously talented. Hypnotic green eyes tend to lull vulnerable defenders. Crafty, can make clutch catches. Learned roll blocks in powder puff football and will chop down opponents at the knees.

###