Adopt a Pet Missing a Limb
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overview
You are duped by friends into going to the pet rescue center. Behind the front desk is a pet that recently had to have one of its limbs surgically amputated. You strike up a friendship with this pet. It has a great disposition. However it also has hundreds of stitches and a difficult time standing upright.
Later at home your friends talk endlessly about the pet missing a limb. One friend in particular keeps bringing up this pet, commenting that you and the pet hit it off so well, you should get the pet. Then later, this same friend leers a very peculiar smile and says, again, you and the pet had such great rapport. You should adopt the pet.
The next day you return to the pet rescue center. You again play with the pet missing a limb. A name pops into your head. "Freesocket." You strike up a conversation with the person behind the desk. You are warned that such a pet requires extra work, extra care and twice daily pet massages.
Getting a pet missing a limb is a mistake. Yet there you are, hopping down the street getting gawked at by small children. You have become the proud owner of a pet missing a limb.
strategy
It isn't that adopting a pet missing limb is extraordinarily difficult. Although availability is erratic. It is surprising how many pets there are sans un appendage. Coincidence? Right.
No, the hard part is dealing with getting a brand new identity. Not many are strong enough. Because your whole world will change. For the better it goes without saying. But no longer will you be known as "Earwig" or "Stretch" or whatever your name is. You will now be known as "the person with the pet missing a limb."
With this title comes responsibilities, but also benefits. You will assume the role of one who can speak with the animals. People will look to you to help make decisions of pet life or death. By owning a pet missing a limb you will know that life and death are two parts of the same thing. And with this healing wisdom you can help the passage of pets into the next realm.
Remember the life of your pet missing a limb is a very important one. Take your pet to halfway houses and other residential institutions. Those that play with your pet will be rejuvenated and healthier.
Notes: Do not put any clothes on your pet that hide the fact that your pet misses a limb. Do enter your pet into newspaper photograph contests with prizes in the 45 dollar range. Do begin a multimedia biography of your pet. You should have something to give away at your pet's funeral if you outlive your pet. If your pet outlives you, do stipulate in your will that the multimedia bio of your pet should continue and should be funded by your estate, such as it is.
best case scenario
Your pet is not just a pet missing a limb but an entirely new species. It turns out that during fetal development instead of making the normal amount of limbs your pet used the materials to make more brain matter. You do not have a pet missing a limb. You have a normally limbed new pet species with the intelligence of a super predator and the thriftiness of a housewife from Scranton, PA.
The problem is, how do we continue the species? If you only have one of a species (unless your pet is hermaphroditic which we assume your pet is not) then it cannot go forth and multiply. You take it on yourself as your life's work to find another 'pet missing a limb but not really because it is a whole new species' that will couple with your pet and start a new species of super pet.
Years go by. Your pet's biological time clock is ticking down like a nightmare. We cannot find a pair. What can be done? Should we cryogenically freeze the pet? Should we begin cloning the pet? Should we at least get a sample for later? But then, hopping across the street, a pet. No ordinary pet but a brand new pet. A lonely brand new pet seeking to get married and have the first babies of a new species suckling on their momma's teets without delay.
worst case scenario
You bring home your pet missing a limb and you snuggle up to it and you never stop. You realize that all you have ever wanted to do is cuddle up with your new pet. You lose your job, family and religion. You develop a strange skin disorder due to constant contact with your pet.
Of course it takes a toll not just on you but on your pet. Your pet exhibits signs of mange related passive aggression. It howls during cartoons and bites you in your sleep.
You separate, but make up late in life and are asked to live full time as an exhibit at the Smithsonian. School trips come from all over to witness you two cuddling in your perfectly restored living room. Eating, arguing over the TV and never once not touching each other.
intangibles
-Food costs
-religious leaders with obsolete views on pets
-Poop or pee shyness
conclusions
You will wear your pet missing a limb like a love struck sorority girl wears her boyfriend's boxer shorts.
Your new pet will make you healthy, wealthy and wise. Of course your fixed costs will rise but do not forget, rich old people are very prone to giving away their fortunes to pets missing limbs. The health benefits are obvious and can be proven with a blood pressure test. Wisdom is perhaps the greatest reward. What is the sound of a pet missing a limb clapping? Get one and get enlightened.
##^^##
overview
You are duped by friends into going to the pet rescue center. Behind the front desk is a pet that recently had to have one of its limbs surgically amputated. You strike up a friendship with this pet. It has a great disposition. However it also has hundreds of stitches and a difficult time standing upright.
Later at home your friends talk endlessly about the pet missing a limb. One friend in particular keeps bringing up this pet, commenting that you and the pet hit it off so well, you should get the pet. Then later, this same friend leers a very peculiar smile and says, again, you and the pet had such great rapport. You should adopt the pet.
The next day you return to the pet rescue center. You again play with the pet missing a limb. A name pops into your head. "Freesocket." You strike up a conversation with the person behind the desk. You are warned that such a pet requires extra work, extra care and twice daily pet massages.
Getting a pet missing a limb is a mistake. Yet there you are, hopping down the street getting gawked at by small children. You have become the proud owner of a pet missing a limb.
strategy
It isn't that adopting a pet missing limb is extraordinarily difficult. Although availability is erratic. It is surprising how many pets there are sans un appendage. Coincidence? Right.
No, the hard part is dealing with getting a brand new identity. Not many are strong enough. Because your whole world will change. For the better it goes without saying. But no longer will you be known as "Earwig" or "Stretch" or whatever your name is. You will now be known as "the person with the pet missing a limb."
With this title comes responsibilities, but also benefits. You will assume the role of one who can speak with the animals. People will look to you to help make decisions of pet life or death. By owning a pet missing a limb you will know that life and death are two parts of the same thing. And with this healing wisdom you can help the passage of pets into the next realm.
Remember the life of your pet missing a limb is a very important one. Take your pet to halfway houses and other residential institutions. Those that play with your pet will be rejuvenated and healthier.
Notes: Do not put any clothes on your pet that hide the fact that your pet misses a limb. Do enter your pet into newspaper photograph contests with prizes in the 45 dollar range. Do begin a multimedia biography of your pet. You should have something to give away at your pet's funeral if you outlive your pet. If your pet outlives you, do stipulate in your will that the multimedia bio of your pet should continue and should be funded by your estate, such as it is.
best case scenario
Your pet is not just a pet missing a limb but an entirely new species. It turns out that during fetal development instead of making the normal amount of limbs your pet used the materials to make more brain matter. You do not have a pet missing a limb. You have a normally limbed new pet species with the intelligence of a super predator and the thriftiness of a housewife from Scranton, PA.
The problem is, how do we continue the species? If you only have one of a species (unless your pet is hermaphroditic which we assume your pet is not) then it cannot go forth and multiply. You take it on yourself as your life's work to find another 'pet missing a limb but not really because it is a whole new species' that will couple with your pet and start a new species of super pet.
Years go by. Your pet's biological time clock is ticking down like a nightmare. We cannot find a pair. What can be done? Should we cryogenically freeze the pet? Should we begin cloning the pet? Should we at least get a sample for later? But then, hopping across the street, a pet. No ordinary pet but a brand new pet. A lonely brand new pet seeking to get married and have the first babies of a new species suckling on their momma's teets without delay.
worst case scenario
You bring home your pet missing a limb and you snuggle up to it and you never stop. You realize that all you have ever wanted to do is cuddle up with your new pet. You lose your job, family and religion. You develop a strange skin disorder due to constant contact with your pet.
Of course it takes a toll not just on you but on your pet. Your pet exhibits signs of mange related passive aggression. It howls during cartoons and bites you in your sleep.
You separate, but make up late in life and are asked to live full time as an exhibit at the Smithsonian. School trips come from all over to witness you two cuddling in your perfectly restored living room. Eating, arguing over the TV and never once not touching each other.
intangibles
-Food costs
-religious leaders with obsolete views on pets
-Poop or pee shyness
conclusions
You will wear your pet missing a limb like a love struck sorority girl wears her boyfriend's boxer shorts.
Your new pet will make you healthy, wealthy and wise. Of course your fixed costs will rise but do not forget, rich old people are very prone to giving away their fortunes to pets missing limbs. The health benefits are obvious and can be proven with a blood pressure test. Wisdom is perhaps the greatest reward. What is the sound of a pet missing a limb clapping? Get one and get enlightened.
##^^##
posted by RSS Spirit Combine | 1:19 PM
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