The 44 Uses for Sex - #24

Type: Modern

Title: Sex for Career Objective

Purpose: The modern workplace is a highly political, competitive arena. Sex is used to get a job, move up within a job, or to move others up in order to solidify one's job status.

Description: Perhaps the quintessential modern use of sex, it has proven extremely effective. The close daily proximity of ambitious people toiling under fluorescent lights nearly forces sex into the situation.

Contrary to all attempts to regulate, legislate and adjudicate it, sex as a career builder has been employed by over 90% of humanity.

Formula: X desires career objective. X has sex with Y. Y provides X with career objective.

Representative Example: Andrew and Cynthia work in the same law firm. Cynthia is Andrew's supervisor and firm partner. Andrew desires to become partner. Cynthia desires that Andrew become partner. Against explicit firm policy, they start having sex. This requires sneaking around and occasionally escaping out the back exits of restaurants (if somebody who works at the firm shows up.)

Andrew uses sex to keep Cynthia advocating for him. Cynthia uses sex to break Andrew down so that he listens to her sage wisdom. Andrew gets from Cynthia the steps he needs to make partner. Cynthia gets from Andrew her world rocked and another partner in the firm loyal to her.

History: This use of sex began, not coincidentally, with the rise of the modern, co-gender workplace. After World War II, offices began welcoming women into the fold. Their percentage increased until today workplaces are almost entirely integrated.

Sex for political gain is an old recipe. But in today's workplace it has become central. Today it is applied equally by both sexes to obtain highly sophisticated career goals. These can include money, boats and boats filled with money.

Strategy: Identifying the correct individual to have sex with is the first obstacle. One must ascertain who can actually affect the desired career objective. The second task is to have a specific career objective in mind before having the sex. Frequently sex is frittered away on vague promises and future maybes. The successful sex for career user will know exactly who s/he wants to have sex with and why.

Positions and Environments: The most popular position is front to back. Common environments include on tables and in hotel hallways. The workplace is, oddly enough, an infrequently occurring environment, although workplace parking lots are occasionally used in a pinch. As are bathrooms at establishments hosting company parties.

Health Issues: Stress is a frequent complaint when using sex for this purpose. However, this is mitigated by the fact that those who experience slow career growth endure higher stress. Thus, the stress incurred while seducing a co-worker is well worth it, if it leads to expedited career advancement.

This type sex also has a tendency to be rough and freewheeling. Participants are urged to take precaution with adequate lubrication.

Future Prospects: The modern workplace is a complex culture. It is becoming ever more complicated. This means sex will always be a valued tool when navigating precarious organizational politics. Business efficiency experts have shown that companies become more productive when sex on the job is copious. In the future, offices that wish to maximize profitability might very well encourage co-worker romance.

In the future, the most innovative companies, instead of ping-pong tables and nap rooms, will offer employee love lounges. Here canoodling officemates can take a 15 minute respite from the rigors of the modern office grind.