Fight with your lover, and win!
Constance Bickering
Assume at the outset a countenance of complete conviction. You are in the right morally, spiritually and lawfully in any democratic country. The fact that your partner attempts to argue with you reveals the first crack in the armor. Assure your lover there is no way of winning this one. Please do not even try. Nothing said or done or testified to a grand jury will make a difference.
Yet your lover argues on, not heeding your advice, given only in the spirit of compassion. And so the battle is joined. First you size up your foe. Lovers, regardless of how wrong they are, can still cause damage. They know your soft spots and with one utterance can flush your face with sputtering rage. Lovers maliciously mistake cruel for kind.
Sputtering rage does not win fights. Smirks of superior condescension do. As do nods of, "Listen to Einstein over there." The first one who spits, "Don't be an ass" two octaves too high is the loser of round one.
As the fight ensues keep proper body positioning. Avoid standing on a chair, flapping arms and screeching, "You have no new tale to tell!" This signals distress. Stay seated. Stay motionless to display a demeanor of indifference. Then, after your lover has stupidly looked away, say, "Your god has forsaken you."
The subject of the fight is not that important, but will help determine strategy. If about money assume self righteousness. If about personal behavior affix contempt. If about hair in the sink curl a snarl. If about general worthiness assume spite for your lover's judgment, foresight and taste in package vacations.
There will be moments when things get a bit tricky. Like when the DNA evidence is presented. Or when your timeline of events is shown to have excluded last month. Or when your lover maliciously mentions the unfortunate incident behind the White Hen Pantry. If things get sticky use these lubricating techniques:
1) Claim you have multiple personalities. Regress to "Mercedes," a 7 year old girl lost in a strip mall.
2) Mimic what your lover says as if your lover was a mutant troll from the center of the earth.
3) Repeat as necessary: "This is all about your relationship with [insert insane relative of lover here.]"
Pets, children, neighbors and social workers can get in the middle of a lover's quarrel. You need to turn them to your advantage. Anybody who will understand like you understand that your lover is dangerously (and congenitally) mistaken is a friend. Court others by agreeing with whatever your lover says like you would a 4 year old. Or ask the third party whether it is OK to pee on the car of that skank in human resources? Hug and feed interlopers to emphasize what a loving, generous person you are. One who would never secretly invest in a restaurant with a drug dealing friend from high school.
How do we know if we have won a lover's fight? If we instinctively do not turn our back on our lover, this typically signals victory. Remember winning is only a common goal two lovers agree to before beginning a fight. Winning can mean many things. Like which city you move to, what name you call yourself and which make-believe god your kid must worship.
Winning easily gets confused with the material things. Like a new sweater purchased under heavy protest. Or driving a classic Chevy Nova out of an aged burnout's garage. But really winning is about the joy of hearing your lover, outgunned, outmanned and outwitted change the subject to why not figure out dinner if you know everything?
##^^##
Assume at the outset a countenance of complete conviction. You are in the right morally, spiritually and lawfully in any democratic country. The fact that your partner attempts to argue with you reveals the first crack in the armor. Assure your lover there is no way of winning this one. Please do not even try. Nothing said or done or testified to a grand jury will make a difference.
Yet your lover argues on, not heeding your advice, given only in the spirit of compassion. And so the battle is joined. First you size up your foe. Lovers, regardless of how wrong they are, can still cause damage. They know your soft spots and with one utterance can flush your face with sputtering rage. Lovers maliciously mistake cruel for kind.
Sputtering rage does not win fights. Smirks of superior condescension do. As do nods of, "Listen to Einstein over there." The first one who spits, "Don't be an ass" two octaves too high is the loser of round one.
As the fight ensues keep proper body positioning. Avoid standing on a chair, flapping arms and screeching, "You have no new tale to tell!" This signals distress. Stay seated. Stay motionless to display a demeanor of indifference. Then, after your lover has stupidly looked away, say, "Your god has forsaken you."
The subject of the fight is not that important, but will help determine strategy. If about money assume self righteousness. If about personal behavior affix contempt. If about hair in the sink curl a snarl. If about general worthiness assume spite for your lover's judgment, foresight and taste in package vacations.
There will be moments when things get a bit tricky. Like when the DNA evidence is presented. Or when your timeline of events is shown to have excluded last month. Or when your lover maliciously mentions the unfortunate incident behind the White Hen Pantry. If things get sticky use these lubricating techniques:
1) Claim you have multiple personalities. Regress to "Mercedes," a 7 year old girl lost in a strip mall.
2) Mimic what your lover says as if your lover was a mutant troll from the center of the earth.
3) Repeat as necessary: "This is all about your relationship with [insert insane relative of lover here.]"
Pets, children, neighbors and social workers can get in the middle of a lover's quarrel. You need to turn them to your advantage. Anybody who will understand like you understand that your lover is dangerously (and congenitally) mistaken is a friend. Court others by agreeing with whatever your lover says like you would a 4 year old. Or ask the third party whether it is OK to pee on the car of that skank in human resources? Hug and feed interlopers to emphasize what a loving, generous person you are. One who would never secretly invest in a restaurant with a drug dealing friend from high school.
How do we know if we have won a lover's fight? If we instinctively do not turn our back on our lover, this typically signals victory. Remember winning is only a common goal two lovers agree to before beginning a fight. Winning can mean many things. Like which city you move to, what name you call yourself and which make-believe god your kid must worship.
Winning easily gets confused with the material things. Like a new sweater purchased under heavy protest. Or driving a classic Chevy Nova out of an aged burnout's garage. But really winning is about the joy of hearing your lover, outgunned, outmanned and outwitted change the subject to why not figure out dinner if you know everything?
##^^##
posted by RSS Spirit Combine | 10:18 AM
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