Weekend Redecoration
Sponsored by Molly's Bolts - The Puncture Product People. "If you have to pound it, you'll find us at Fulton and Ogden."
Did a little redecorating this weekend. That is, I watched some redecorating on the TV. Meaning that my significant other likes "Trading Spaces." What do you learn on that show? Be careful or hysterical hiss pots will cover your bedroom in blue particle board.
Before I start a home makeover I like to check my emotional state. Do I really need to soundproof the basement to make a dungeon? Maybe I should just find a good anger management book. Rage does not lead to the proper arrangement of comfy chairs. And you never end up using a dungeon that much. It is sort of like a ping-pong table.
Do you ever get so sick of your house/apartment/box that you daydream up a giant suction tube that will inhale all your furniture, pets and cinderblocks you cannot look at one second longer? You are a candidate for a handy home project.
Does this mean you have to clean behind the stove? Absolutely not. Redecorating is all about color swatches. And filling the holes the dog gnawed into the wall. And wondering what in god's name is with these $7,000 home stoves? These are for people who overcompensate for the tiny roast they have to put in the oven.
First thing's first. You must wander aimlessly at a mega store. If a product is sold in a ten acre warehouse, it comes with a promise of quality. You must attack these places with a plan. Get the extra lithium battery with your cordless drill. Get the extra horsepower for your garbage disposal. And do get the hot dog value meal in the hut out front.
But never get these things on the weekend. These places on Saturday sap your faith in humanity. If you have to go on the weekend, talk loudly to yourself in the aisles about building a top secret beam disabler. This will at least keep the path clear.
If you are the sole redecorating decision maker, the job is a lot easier. Just remember the basics – bleach, spackle and whatever the alley gives up. But things change when you must share the decision making. Communication can get strained. The questions become different. "Will it make it home on the top of my car," becomes, "But what happens when your sister and her kid get thrown out of another apartment and have to come stay for a month?"
Redecorating is admittedly a poor substitute for an unfulfilled spiritual life. Do cloistered monks need crushed velvet lounges? No, they are happy with bare wood and wet stone. What window treatment is more spectacular than holy refulgence swelling through a hole in a mud hut?
But we can approximate spiritual happiness with Ralph Lauren paint. Or new wainscoting in the living room. Do not forget interior foliage. Something about a new houseplant says, "I am ready for transcendence." Overcome metaphysical suffering with a funky 70's sphere terrarium. Add a mini plastic army man jungle war diorama and achieve enlightenment.
Redecorating, like spirituality, is as much about subtraction as addition. Whenever you wonder whether something has outlived its usefulness, use this rule of thumb - "Get rid of it." Better yet, put it in the alley so the redecorating cycle can complete itself.
##^^##
Did a little redecorating this weekend. That is, I watched some redecorating on the TV. Meaning that my significant other likes "Trading Spaces." What do you learn on that show? Be careful or hysterical hiss pots will cover your bedroom in blue particle board.
Before I start a home makeover I like to check my emotional state. Do I really need to soundproof the basement to make a dungeon? Maybe I should just find a good anger management book. Rage does not lead to the proper arrangement of comfy chairs. And you never end up using a dungeon that much. It is sort of like a ping-pong table.
Do you ever get so sick of your house/apartment/box that you daydream up a giant suction tube that will inhale all your furniture, pets and cinderblocks you cannot look at one second longer? You are a candidate for a handy home project.
Does this mean you have to clean behind the stove? Absolutely not. Redecorating is all about color swatches. And filling the holes the dog gnawed into the wall. And wondering what in god's name is with these $7,000 home stoves? These are for people who overcompensate for the tiny roast they have to put in the oven.
First thing's first. You must wander aimlessly at a mega store. If a product is sold in a ten acre warehouse, it comes with a promise of quality. You must attack these places with a plan. Get the extra lithium battery with your cordless drill. Get the extra horsepower for your garbage disposal. And do get the hot dog value meal in the hut out front.
But never get these things on the weekend. These places on Saturday sap your faith in humanity. If you have to go on the weekend, talk loudly to yourself in the aisles about building a top secret beam disabler. This will at least keep the path clear.
If you are the sole redecorating decision maker, the job is a lot easier. Just remember the basics – bleach, spackle and whatever the alley gives up. But things change when you must share the decision making. Communication can get strained. The questions become different. "Will it make it home on the top of my car," becomes, "But what happens when your sister and her kid get thrown out of another apartment and have to come stay for a month?"
Redecorating is admittedly a poor substitute for an unfulfilled spiritual life. Do cloistered monks need crushed velvet lounges? No, they are happy with bare wood and wet stone. What window treatment is more spectacular than holy refulgence swelling through a hole in a mud hut?
But we can approximate spiritual happiness with Ralph Lauren paint. Or new wainscoting in the living room. Do not forget interior foliage. Something about a new houseplant says, "I am ready for transcendence." Overcome metaphysical suffering with a funky 70's sphere terrarium. Add a mini plastic army man jungle war diorama and achieve enlightenment.
Redecorating, like spirituality, is as much about subtraction as addition. Whenever you wonder whether something has outlived its usefulness, use this rule of thumb - "Get rid of it." Better yet, put it in the alley so the redecorating cycle can complete itself.
##^^##
posted by RSS Spirit Combine | 11:41 AM
1 Comments:
funny i guess
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