Society Wag Wandering - Saturday night hideabout in the digital cable box

Dateline: scratching ourselves

We never go out on Saturday night. The streets are ghastly populated with Jack O' Lantern tourists, cackling suburbanites and the usual trash that clog our fine city's gutters when they let the domesticated herd out of its pen. For those of us with a sophisticated sense of social gathering, we find Saturday evenings to be good for only two things: doing dirty things to strangers and staying out until dawn.

This means Saturday nights are good for a couple things, admittedly, but 98 times out of a 100 they are best avoided. Instead we stay home, warm up the TV, invite a few chosen friends and pig out out on a variety of consumables.

We like to start off our Saturday lie-arounds with something whimsical on the TV. Perhaps a movie starring Hal Holbrook. Or a Korean game show. Polish fashion models on cable access never fail to entertain. The TV and its proper administration are critical to a Saturday night stay at home. With the advent of 'rainbow package' digital cable these management issues have only become more critical. But more on this later.

Friends also must be chosen well. You do not want to invite anybody over with too many emotional problems. For our unstable friends, sitting in somebody's apartment watching TV on a Saturday night is a gateway to mention all the bad things in the world. Smart society wags and wagettes know that we are in the best place we can be on a Saturday night. We want to hang out with others who share this sentiment. After all, we might easily be sitting around for a full 8 hours.

Invite the kind of friends who know what to bring. Like handmade Scottish biscuits and French cigarettes. (disclaimer, smoking makes you feel like dogcrap.) Or a bottle from a delicious California vinery. Or a DVD/game/picture book that does not suck. In short, Saturday night stayabouts require the most intrepid and ingenious of friends. But remember we also do not want overly energetic friends. How do you judge? If your friend wants to do dirty things to strangers or stay up until dawn they are considered overly energetic. We do not want to get cudgeled into going out on a Saturday night. We are staying right here, dammit.

We like to start early with the food. Then in the middle, go strong with the food. Then at the end, pound down more food. The appetizer section should of course include cheese. A fatty goat's milk will put everyone in a lollygagging sort of mood. Salsa is also mandatory. What about something baked then slathered on ciabatta bread? But we understand if people are too lazy to turn the oven on. Do as little cooking as possible on Saturday night. Avoid even food in bags that are hard to open. Food that requires no utensils is highly valued.

Now is when the TV can get tricky. Competing interest groups will invariably form, and desire to watch certain things. Is it going to be a movie to make fun of Ben Affleck, a reality show featuring narcissist alcoholics, or a basketball game with playoff implications? We need somebody quick on the stick. Several constituencies can be mollified by watching four shows simultaneously. But no expert wannabes on the stick, please. Only the best should light up the love buttons.

As much as we do not want to, we have to turn the TV off at some point. Now is the time to listen to music and eat more. This portion of the food should be something we love to eat but never allow ourselves anymore. Like noodles and pork fried in duck fat. Or veal meatloaf topped with potatoes fried in duck fat. Do not be ashamed if what you want comes in a can. If you want a family size can of Beeforoni all to yourself, get out the opener and fire up the microwave.

After dinner it is time to relax as one sees fit. Those interested in a back rub chain should sign up now. Those interested in getting loud and yelling at the TV should assemble on the couch. Because we are going to watch the last of this game, we do not care what any of you home rehab show loving freaks say. Besides, if you miss one home rehab show, just stay tuned. Four more annoying glamour whores will soon appear on the screen to cat fight and confuse bad taste with compassion.

Just relax. One thing about a Saturday night loiter, do not get the passions worked up. If somebody tries to get frisky with you simply pass a little gas to let others know the theme tonight - lazy. Because tomorrow night is the start of our six day commitment to social gadflying. Tonight the rest of the world can feast on our garbage. One night a week we leave the scraps to the madding crowd who think they are going out when they are only being moved around. Tonight we eat our vitamin and consume a week's worth of fat and catch up on the hot models on Sabado Gigante.

For tomorrow we descend back on the world, seeking blood and maybe a movie and a nice fish taco...