How to Succeed at The Laundromat

Lady Suds Macbeth

A conceptual overview

First consider, do I really have to go? Just because a litter of wild cats mewls in my mountain of dirty laundry, do I really have to? The laundromat is a place where needs are met, not wants. You come here to find love, death and redemption in a cup of bleach. So ask yourself: Do I really have to go into that crazy ass place with all those crazy ass people?

Eventually the answer will be yes. And so we arrive. Trembling and fearful. One never knows what the conditions will be like at the 'mat. There are many considerations to weigh before putting any clothes in a washer. First, find your 'attendant on duty.' You should be familiar with all your day/night managers. They will be your spirit guides. They will find you bright clean places free of mentally deranged people. And they know which dryers give good heat.

Laundromat managers lead exciting lives and, if you show you are trustworthy, will offer pleasant diversion. Perhaps you will hear about a pornography collection burned in a devastating fire; or a small child who happens to be a compulsive thief; or an escape from drunken soldiers while crossing the Pakistani border at midnight.

Sometimes the 'attendant on duty' is busy and therefore you must size the place up for yourself. Here is a good checklist to focus your initial logistical assessment. Spot and avoid the following type people:

1) Flabbergasted
2) Junkie
3) Quiet with taped boots
4) Caffeinated kids
5) Thin and crying

Conversely there will be people with whom you want to share space. Find and draw yourself to:

A) An old guy in a sharp hat
B) People with reading materials
C) Unfocused eyes and gossiping

With a good space staked out you can get into action. If, by any reason, you think of using a single loader, go back to the beginning and ask yourself, do I really need to be here? Never use a single loader. Only use the power front loaders. The big drums are where the job gets done. Take heed of the old pro grandma who comes in with 500 pounds of laundry and does it in three loads.

We are not here because we want, rather, because we need.

Use bleach on whites. Keep an open mind about fabric softener. Some people get high and/or hives from it and should be kept away. Sample on people before using on clothes. Make sure your laundromat gives up the water nice and hot. Nothing spoils a 'whites with bleach' wash like lukewarm water. Sometimes these owners have to put their kids through expensive colleges and do so at your water temperature's expense. This cannot be tolerated.

Once the prewash cycle sprays into action, do a quick logistics update. Things happen fast at the 'mat. One minute you stand next to scented plants and pleasant old timers. The next your are surrounded by a pack of halfway house indigents with stuffed duffel bags. Nimble is not a symbol at the 'mat, but rather like a cymbal, keeps us up to speed.

Here is a 'phase two' scouting checklist:
1. Check the TV. Should we watch? If in doubt, ask yourself: Does it feature people with low self-esteem engaging in risky behavior? Then yes.
2. Vending machines. Also any prize machines or video games. Good times can be had running over streetwalkers on video while displaying the temporary tattoo you just purchased.
3. Free reading material. Be aggressive. If it is sitting two minutes, it is free game. Or try the local free rag to learn of the wide variety of crimes committed in your neighborhood.

Add supplies for main wash. Go outside. Look for stuff on the ground in the parking lot. Think about, but do not get, a taco across the street. Scout out hot dryers. Make the switch to dry cycle. Do a 'phase 3' scouting. Phase 3 seeks to build on previous relationships and is entirely dependent on the situation in the field. For instance:

The dry cycle is a good time to clinch a love connection you may have developed. Or help a kid with homework. Or look in the classifieds for a classic 1978 Ford Thunderbird. The dry cycle is not for idle hands. It is for lovers, teachers and learners of what that slut did on All My Children.

When you get to folding remember to nurture your inner obsessive compulsive. Hot clothes out of the dryer have been given new life, and like many new lives, the early wrinkles they endure will stay for a lifetime. Smooth out all sides before fluffing and stacking.

If you are still considering falling in love the folding cycle is pretty much your last opportunity. There s/he is. They sit on a cracked plastic molded chair and do some puzzle. They are beautiful in their boredom. You feel you could fold their laundry crisply and with vigor if given an opportunity.

Oh well, too late, time to go. There is no lollygagging at the laundromat. After you hoist your load, kiss your 'attendant on duty' and buy a kid a temporary tattoo, it is time to go. And the cycle is complete.

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