The 44 Uses For Sex - #13

Type: Universal

Title: Sex For Boredom Eradication

Purpose: Boredom is a feature of all but the most primitive societies. It is a terminal illness that must be rigorously eliminated. Sex is a time-tested method for conquering boredom.

Description: Sex alleviates boredom by killing time. The awareness of time is one of the banes of human existence. Boredom defined: the state of being unbearably overburdened by the ceaseless tick-tock of a stopped clock. Sex produces many time-killing antibodies, a natural antidote to boredom.

Formula: A is bored. A has sex with B. A is no longer bored.

Representative Example: David and Peter sit in David's apartment. Outside, an extreme meteorological event occurs. It allows for no travel outside the confines of the apartment. David and Peter grow bored. They gnash their teeth, argue and pluck out each other's hairs. They both experience an intolerable state of inertia. They have sex. They work each other over in various rooms in the apartment. Boredom quickly dissipates.

History: There was a time, long ago, when boredom did not exist. This is remembered in mythology as paradise. But humans with their big brains soon realized that time keeps marching on. And so we were thrown out of paradise and into a world of time shackled to our wrists. Throughout history, sex has been both a fashionable and frowned upon method of beating boredom. The debate goes on to this very day.

Strategy: Not as easy as it seems. One must first find another 'bored to tears' individual to initiate the process. Thankfully, boredom frequently happens in group settings. School, work and community are all places with a high risk of boredom infestation. Like-minded bored people seek out each other by saying things like, "Please, somebody put a nail through my skull."

Positions and Environments: Spontaneous, spur of the moment positions are typical. Bent over a sink for example. In or near brick buildings in industrial corridors that serve cocktails or print documents and forms are frequent environments.

Health Issues: Boredom is a disease that requires an antidote so strong one must expect side affects. Occasionally it will require that one leave one's place of employment or worship. Other times one can find oneself groping deranged sociopaths.

But the debate between whether sex should or should not be used has been conclusively proven in the favor of rigorous application. The terrible advanced symptoms of boredom are too terrible to take any chances. Sex should always be considered in chronic cases.

Future Prospects: As long as society stays above the rudimentary civilization line, no sure thing, then boredom will need snuffing. Progressive minded social workers have recently advocated for the establishment of 'get over the hump' meetings. Here idle individuals efficiently find mutual deterrence against gourd-busting boredom.

In the future, the cure for this most pernicious malady might be found in local community centers.