Chicago Storefront Obituaries

Occult Store

This mystical storefront was the place to go for your spiritual and spellcasting needs. Patrons particularly remember the specially concocted floor wax. It not only shined up old linoleum, it also conjured success, love or money (depending on which flavor you chose.)

Professionals and hobbyists alike enjoyed the variety of ingredients available to enable the 'enchanting arts.' One regular recalls that the owners may have been witches, but they ate McDonald's at lunch like the rest of us.

Cause of death: neighborhood's deterioration of soul.

Arty Crafty Collective

This storefront featured over a dozen artists displaying an eclectic array of stuff. From desperate pleas inscribed on driftwood, to posters of elongated babies, to colorful Japanese snack food – patrons remember a place where a gift for the deranged could always be found.

The store also hosted some nice events. Like soap making classes and one memorable art opening that ended with a sloppy makeout session by the back sink.

Cause of death: chronic lack of culture of this country.

Drug Dealer's Girlfriend's Salon

An ambitious venture, this storefront offered a number of salon services – hair, manicure, pedicure, even chair massage. The owner dated a drug dealer who needed to launder cash through a legitimate business. This coincided nicely with the owner's desire to open a 'real classy' salon. Customers remember a lot of mirrors and upbeat dance music.

Although some patrons recall occasionally erratic service, everybody fondly recalls the complimentary white wine spritzer with every haircut.

Cause of death: terminal ignorance of how to run a business.

Local Library Branch

This corner storefront worked hard for the money. A motley band of librarians took on all neighborhood urchins and their strange requests. Two small rooms were stuffed ceiling to floor with books. At the tables sat homeless with no work and school kids with homework. One librarian was widely regarded as 'pretty hot.'

Card holding members recall a productive if occasionally stinky atmosphere. The librarians, god bless them, worked hard to keep good new fiction on the shelves and fill out the rest on a meager budget. One member recalls the massive amounts of free but useless brochures moldering by the door.

Cause of death: the city moved into the stolen asphalt racket and could no longer be bothered with libraries.

Hardware Store

A corner storefront that crammed many tools and bits into a fluorescently lit room. An overweight hippy worked weekdays. He looked incompetent but in fact knew a lot about hardware. Not to mention pest abatement, color matching and which set of lawn darts to buy.

Customers remember the smell of the place and a scary Santa Claus that moved mechanically in the window every December. One regular recalls finding a door hinge that had not been manufactured in twenty years. Another says she frequently heard a mysterious grinding in back.

Cause of death: slave labor from China making cheap products to fill five-acre mega stores.

Hipster Bar

This storefront 'hole in the wall' served local hipsters and dirt bags during its lifetime. Weeknights were meat markets while weekends were crowded meat markets. Yes, the DJ's spun erratically and the bartenders were surly. But one longtime patron remembers buying good weed from both DJs and bartenders.

Hot meat was known to frequent the place. It dressed in black, smoked Marlboro Lights and ordered the PBR beer special. The televisions were also fun. A regular recalls how one night he saw 8 decapitations in kung-fu form.

Cause of death: the owner was not getting laid enough out of the place like he used to.