sweet swag chicago

What these latest municipal scandals tell us: if you are not stealing your city, your city is stealing you. You might be heard to mutter, "But how can I, with no clout heavy relatives or mob membership card, steal from my city?" Thing is, us regular citizens need to do our part. Even us nobody mooks can pilfer our way back into the plus column.

First, check your attitude. Do not moan about getting fleeced, prison style, by a city department gangbang. Instead ask, "How can I get in on this?" When you are a victim of a robbery, be it your tax money or bridge toll, you are actually being taught a valuable lesson. Apply successful theft concepts perpetrated upon you to your own stealing strategy. A winning bandit is a studious one.

Opportunity begins at home. Some people complain that stealing means you must leave the house. Think about it, what about the cable? Why are you paying for it? The same question applies to all your utilities. Or get on your computer and apply to become a minority contractor. Soon your shell company will receive kickbacks from local kingpins. You can begin ripping off while not even taking off your PJ's.

Once you manage to get yourself out of the house, ask yourself, "Is the city sticker on my car legitimate?" Silly rabbit, crack addicts sell stolen ones for ten dollars. Now look around your property. Does it need any work? The cheapest construction crew around can be found in your local ward yard. Make friends with supervisors to receive cut-rate building materials and 'cash and carry' labor.

Never pay another parking ticket again, if you own removable magnetic license plates. Simply take your tags with you and park as you wish. While driving around, look for blue trash bags. Why does the city own the recycling racket? You should scavenge bottles and cans and use the money to purchase items at wildcat establishments which do not bother with sales tax. Add nine percent to the price? No thank you.

The real art of theft is in the commercial field. Here is where you can leverage your business acumen to steal many dollars at once. From bribed health inspectors to federal project liaisons, the real thieves work for the city. A quick way to wealth, yes, but do not be selfish. Remember to tip out your fellow crook. Nobody likes a robber who does not spread it around.

This means kicking back not only to aldermen and other big wigs, but also to the little guys. The clerk who forges the documents, the truck driver who delivers the stolen computers, the inspector who ignores the telltale odor of rodent infestation – they need love too.

It takes a village to steal a village. That ancient African proverb has never been truer. Because in Chicago there are two types of citizens – Stealers and The Stolen. And perhaps everyone can agree, Stealers have more fun.

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