A Theater Life for You?

Cassandra Burnheart

The theater is an ancient art form. The first people to perfect the dramatic urge were the ancient Greeks. Do you need a drama where a guy boffs his mommy, doffs his daddy and then pokes his eyes out? One where a city's leading ladies go on a sex strike until their lovers stop killing each other? Where the gods kill the children of the ambitious to teach them a lesson? Ancient Greek is by definition classic.

Then of course there is William Shakespeare. He of the blood spotted hands and succulent slaughter speeches. He never shied away from a good wiener joke either. He teaches us ultimately to stay away from young lovers. They tend to attract mischievous wood nymphs.
Today the dramatic tradition lives on in great theaters across the globe. And sometimes you can see naked people. And sometimes if you date an actor your parents can see your lover naked on stage. One of many delights the theater life provides.

You need to be there sometimes. You need to feel Eugene O'Neil's spit flying or touch a flying actress in an adaptation of Bulgakov. You also need to be there to steal some good lines. I saw this one play about the nervous breakdown of a coffee chain manager. In the end he is reduced to repeating: "You have no new tale to tell!" I use that line to this day whenever appropriate. Another example of how the theater gives back.

But what about the other side to this never-ending performance? Behind the grease paint, on the hot side of the lights, the place you go after you leave sanity. Yes, a career in the dramatic arts is for those rare born souls. It is for those compelled to deeply search the human heart. And become very afraid indeed.

If you are unsure you have what it takes, think about joining your local theater troupe. You might not be a star, but you will hear fun tales of desperation, degradation and then getting an equity card.

This begs the question. What if we join a theater, meet a fellow troop member, rub up against hizzer a few times and pilfer their Phantom of The Opera tour jacket? Should we give our whole hearts to them? Experience teaches us that while the performance in the bedroom 'sizzles' you end up having to watch experimental theater. What is experimental theater? It is a play directed by an alcoholic, produced by a megalomaniac, written by a sex addict and acted by a theater group which agrees on only one thing: turn Brett Easton Ellis' Glamorama into a musical.

If you are presently loving up a dramatic artist: tread lightly and carry a big stick. They are not as bad as musicians but definitely worse than painters. You will get licked by heaven but also lick hell off a public bathroom floor.

We should not think of the theater as just custodial care for assorted misfits, loners and aspiring royalty. No, the theater is about the applause at the end of the show. This is the 'ring bling' that keeps the game going. It is a rare juice to which certain misanthropes become addicted. So why not go out to the theater tonight and give it up for love?

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How to loiter at the coffee shop

First, get your coffee card punched ten times. Now you get a free coffee. What a journey it has been, accumulating ten punch holes over the course of two months. You are a different person from when you started, a lot has changed. One thing at least has changed for the better. Today your coffee is free. Present your card to the coffee counter person and dispense a dollar in the tip jar with grandiose indifference.

Do you also want a bagel? Get the jalapeno and sun dried tomato cream cheese. Or maybe you just want to smoke. Smokers are allowed in back. If you desire loud noise, dark confessions and thousand yard stares, sit with the smokers. Up in the front there is more sun, but nonsmokers never quite manage to pull off compelling. I am not advocating smoking. Smoking is bad. But some people have a lot of stress. This they mitigate with nicotine.

Your beverage of course is the most critical part of the coffee house loiter. Do not rush it. Try and refrain from that first sip as long as you can. Then slowly drink in the caffeinated joy of the Americas (do not forget Africa.) These are truly beans that produce magical fruit. Repeat as necessary.

Nourished with java juice, we stare at the art on the wall. The quality varies extremely. Sometimes a lunatic puts a couple of pieces on the wall and spanks us red with awe and wonder. Good art is a great free bonus.

Sadly, bad art is also frequently displayed. It makes us feel ashamed. We instinctively clutch ourselves and turn away. Distract yourself from poor artistic choices by seeing what the employees are up to. If you are lucky they are banging pots while fondly recalling a poignant break down during high school.

There is a tendency to leisurely scope out people with whom you would like to grope. Try not to stare for too long. People tend to get nervous when over caffeinated loners let long gazes linger on their parts. Practice the quick flick up, check ass, flick down. As much as we want to ogle cute people, we must pretend to be doing something.

This is the toughest part of our loiter. What are we doing, or to the point, appearing to do? Occasionally newspapers are enough. Get at least 4 or 5. This displays to others that you actually need to know something. Foreign newspapers add a touch of sophistication. A communist broadsheet lets your fellow loiterers know you have a devilish side.

You can also pretend to work. Bring your laptop and dabble in symphonies. Even a couple disposable pens to scrawl manifestos while muttering about petroleum jelly. Engage with fellow loiterers in fictitious business meetings. When things are real slow, look over your day planner for the last six months. Realize you have not made any entries.

But what about snacks? Try the panini sandwich. The girl who makes them usually yells out your name when it is ready. This provides a sense of prestige and belonging. Some days you will not be able to decide between a brownie or a cookie. Nobody else can answer this question for you. Take a big breath and listen to the little elf who lives in your stomach.

While munching, take a moment to then listen to the music. Coffee house music is like the art on the wall. At the top we are treated to a ditty evoking a forgotten time by a band most euphonious. At the bottom we hear an ear damaging demo track from an employee's current lover's band. Experienced loiterers know how to shut out the music when necessary. This is the time to get absorbed in the notices on the bulletin board. Do you seek apartment, bassist, art show, unbalanced pamphlet, lost person notice, lost pet notice, aldermanic meeting or small handwritten attempt to sell Korean body energy work?

At some point your spirits will flag. Negative thoughts will creep in. All coffee house loiterers will have a crisis of faith. A moment when the coffee is backwashy, the art is lazy, the music is plodding, the employees are complaining and your fellow loiterers look pale and sallow. Combat doubt by remembering this: Ninety five percent of everything is crap. We are here to squeeze out the semi precious five percent.

In the coffee house it may take hours to pluck a few special nuggets. But it is worth it. An oily princess laughs bewitchingly as the owner throws a dishtowel at his friend's head. An agreeable specimen bounces past causing us to involuntarily nod with delight. Here is the coffee house loiterer's secret wisdom. All you have to do is hang out and eventually the whole world will roll in to get some coffee.

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