How to Put Together a Piece of Ikea Furniture
Sven Svensvenson
A Conceptual Overview
First go to Ikea and pick out a piece of furniture. Spend 10 hours, lose 9 lives, sneer at 8 people, cry 7 times, debate 6 different colors, eat 5 Swedish meat balls, resist 4 impulse items, call 3 life coaches, consider the root of good and evil twice, and for once buy something to hide all this crap in the office.
Bring it home and consider: Do I assemble this shelf/desk/hamper/wine rack for myself? Or do I make it for my desperate friend who must move into, and furnish, an apartment in a 72 hour period of no sleep (and occasional purging.) If you assemble the piece for yourself follow this simple rule: Leave it in the box. No muss no fuss, put it right where you want it then forget about it. You will cherish your box of compressed sawdust and plastic laminate for years to come.
However, if purchased for an "in transition" friend, the item must actually be made. This requires, first, drop the box accidentally on your friend's living room floor. Then cringe as your friend slips into a silent spasm of frayed nerves and frantic pacing. Now is the time to break out the Swedish Glugg, also purchased at Ikea. Viking punch and fastening 'these damn drawers' just go together.
What sort of music do you need for an Ikea assembling? Tribe Called Quest has potential but inevitably desires us drift from the task to go find a beautiful dance partner. A good CD is Studio One Soul. Studio One is a Jamaican label, and Soul is a compilation of great Reggae tinged funk and soul songs. This poppy Afro Caribbean album will help us overcome the first and most dreaded part of the process.
Which is, of course, examining the screws, dowels and other junk in the bag. Who, one wonders, is going to screw all these screws in? The answer gives no solace. Do not expect solace. Expect metal bits stuck in hidden holes which were punched by demonic Scandinavians. It is a good idea to come with a portable drill and two juiced batteries. Most people like Dewalt. Although one is impressed by the coffee maker from Black and Decker, so their drills are probably good too.
Quick hint: Put all the parts on a table. Do not spread them on the floor. Or you will be moaning like a crooked codger in a quarter of an hour. Make sure to look for different sizes in similar parts. Like the diamond industry, even a sixteenth of an inch makes the difference between crown jewel and fragile junk. Don't get discouraged if you misinstall hardware. 78 times out of 100 you will. Then it's time to sing a familiar refrain: "Stuck the wrong thing in the big hole now can't jiggle it out."
The directions you will find have no words. Which isn't the worst thing in the world. Nothing worse than directions written by a Malaysian malcontent who uses a vocabulary culled mostly from 'Dynasty' reruns. Always study the pictures carefully. Then fit the first pieces together incorrectly. Then assemble as fast as you can, thinking, "Maybe I can finish this in a half hour and go meet those guys out."
At Step 4 realize, finally, that you screwed up Step 1 and have to start again. Realize also it is going to be a long ugly slog and request snacks. You do not want a precipitous blood sugar drop during a demanding dowel insertion.
Somewhere in the middle of things you will think you are almost done. You are not. At some moment your friend will offer to help. Refuse. Or conversely, your friend will try and sway you away with a video of lascivious interest. Stay focused. Because once you start a piece of Ikea furniture you must complete it. Keep the bi-polar away from the process.
If you leave it uncompleted the dog will eat the screws. Or your friend will try and lift it and crack it in half. Or the thing will just sit there weeks later: An homage to those haunted by the aborted lifestyle upgrade.
You are here to build the Ikea furniture. Blood and tears will wring from you before you dare put down the drill. Which brings us to the next part. Where you break something. Not a big break of course, just a small blemish that sticks like a thorn in your sweaty brow. Try and break parts that don't show much. Remember, there are only two ways to complete an Ikea piece. With glory or with shame. This thing might be in your friend's house a long time. So for once in your life, try a little bit, OK?
The following final checklist will help ensure quality:
-Are there at least 8 pieces left over?
-Are you standing around drinking a beer like some master craftsman bragging about the 'magazine rack' you built?
-Do you think somewhat less unkindly toward Swedish people?
If you have answered yes then welcome to Ikea-halla. Where particle board meets screw locks meets the tired but proud souls who drink Glugg and construct tall tales of slaying the woodblock kitchen organizer.
##^^##
A Conceptual Overview
First go to Ikea and pick out a piece of furniture. Spend 10 hours, lose 9 lives, sneer at 8 people, cry 7 times, debate 6 different colors, eat 5 Swedish meat balls, resist 4 impulse items, call 3 life coaches, consider the root of good and evil twice, and for once buy something to hide all this crap in the office.
Bring it home and consider: Do I assemble this shelf/desk/hamper/wine rack for myself? Or do I make it for my desperate friend who must move into, and furnish, an apartment in a 72 hour period of no sleep (and occasional purging.) If you assemble the piece for yourself follow this simple rule: Leave it in the box. No muss no fuss, put it right where you want it then forget about it. You will cherish your box of compressed sawdust and plastic laminate for years to come.
However, if purchased for an "in transition" friend, the item must actually be made. This requires, first, drop the box accidentally on your friend's living room floor. Then cringe as your friend slips into a silent spasm of frayed nerves and frantic pacing. Now is the time to break out the Swedish Glugg, also purchased at Ikea. Viking punch and fastening 'these damn drawers' just go together.
What sort of music do you need for an Ikea assembling? Tribe Called Quest has potential but inevitably desires us drift from the task to go find a beautiful dance partner. A good CD is Studio One Soul. Studio One is a Jamaican label, and Soul is a compilation of great Reggae tinged funk and soul songs. This poppy Afro Caribbean album will help us overcome the first and most dreaded part of the process.
Which is, of course, examining the screws, dowels and other junk in the bag. Who, one wonders, is going to screw all these screws in? The answer gives no solace. Do not expect solace. Expect metal bits stuck in hidden holes which were punched by demonic Scandinavians. It is a good idea to come with a portable drill and two juiced batteries. Most people like Dewalt. Although one is impressed by the coffee maker from Black and Decker, so their drills are probably good too.
Quick hint: Put all the parts on a table. Do not spread them on the floor. Or you will be moaning like a crooked codger in a quarter of an hour. Make sure to look for different sizes in similar parts. Like the diamond industry, even a sixteenth of an inch makes the difference between crown jewel and fragile junk. Don't get discouraged if you misinstall hardware. 78 times out of 100 you will. Then it's time to sing a familiar refrain: "Stuck the wrong thing in the big hole now can't jiggle it out."
The directions you will find have no words. Which isn't the worst thing in the world. Nothing worse than directions written by a Malaysian malcontent who uses a vocabulary culled mostly from 'Dynasty' reruns. Always study the pictures carefully. Then fit the first pieces together incorrectly. Then assemble as fast as you can, thinking, "Maybe I can finish this in a half hour and go meet those guys out."
At Step 4 realize, finally, that you screwed up Step 1 and have to start again. Realize also it is going to be a long ugly slog and request snacks. You do not want a precipitous blood sugar drop during a demanding dowel insertion.
Somewhere in the middle of things you will think you are almost done. You are not. At some moment your friend will offer to help. Refuse. Or conversely, your friend will try and sway you away with a video of lascivious interest. Stay focused. Because once you start a piece of Ikea furniture you must complete it. Keep the bi-polar away from the process.
If you leave it uncompleted the dog will eat the screws. Or your friend will try and lift it and crack it in half. Or the thing will just sit there weeks later: An homage to those haunted by the aborted lifestyle upgrade.
You are here to build the Ikea furniture. Blood and tears will wring from you before you dare put down the drill. Which brings us to the next part. Where you break something. Not a big break of course, just a small blemish that sticks like a thorn in your sweaty brow. Try and break parts that don't show much. Remember, there are only two ways to complete an Ikea piece. With glory or with shame. This thing might be in your friend's house a long time. So for once in your life, try a little bit, OK?
The following final checklist will help ensure quality:
-Are there at least 8 pieces left over?
-Are you standing around drinking a beer like some master craftsman bragging about the 'magazine rack' you built?
-Do you think somewhat less unkindly toward Swedish people?
If you have answered yes then welcome to Ikea-halla. Where particle board meets screw locks meets the tired but proud souls who drink Glugg and construct tall tales of slaying the woodblock kitchen organizer.
##^^##
posted by RSS Spirit Combine | 12:22 PM
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