How to go to the video store/burrito hut.
A conceptual overview
Francois Jusophile
First collect 10 coupons so that you finally get a free video. You rented 10 videos, this one is free. Take a moment to be proud. People scoffed when you said you would collect 10 coupons and that most rare of prize, the free video. You have shown resourcefulness. You have flashed your mettle. Now go get a free video and use the money to buy a burrito. Because kid, you earned it.
At the video store look to see who is on duty. Have you had outside relations with this person? No? Good. We advise against having any relations outside the video store with the people working in it. Do anything with them you want inside the store. But do not muddy things with external video store activities. Many a good video store has been lost due to not knowing proper boundaries.
Upon approaching the counter remember your taste is not as good as the video store clerk's. Your eye not as sharp, your taste for film not as fine. That you are returning a whimsical teen sex romp does not improve your status. Do not bother with, "I'm returning it for my friend." It makes the video store clerk sad.
Get a quick lay of the store. Who is in here? Is the foreign guy who vacuums the place here? He is the one who knows all the new releases. But do not ask for his opinions regarding movie quality. He will give a movie thumbs up because it has a French person getting fondled in an alley on the cover.
Everybody in the store is about to steal your movie. The impatient girl in sweatpants, the lurking slow guy, even the mother/daughter team from Gdansk. Do not give quarter in the video store. But, beginning with new releases, thrust and parry until you have secured the evening's cinematic feast.
What do we want? What do we ever want? Why are we sitting in this flourescently lit strip mall box, perusing (mostly) mediocre entertainment products foisted upon us by multinational corporations concerned above all with enriching the ugly and the mean?
That preceding crisis of faith should not be enacted in the video store. Here is not the place to begin the process of becoming a true believer like Joan of Arc. You are here to check out Joan of Arc. Preferably in surround sound while munching popcorn and wondering if she was as cute as she was committed.
If you start to get lingering doubts, quickly find something with partial nudity shot in Lille, France. Present your coupons to the video store clerk. Do not feel ashamed of paying with coupons. Even if the video store clerk cannot be bothered to count them because the whole business is, well, sad.
Nor should you flinch when the clerk whistles hopelessly upon inspecting your choice of video. You must complete this transaction and move on to your next destination.
A burrito awaits. Burritos are complicated, mysterious animals. They are plump with promise but can conceal explosive regret. Pick your burrito shop wisely. Burritos are as much about consistency as they are about greatness.
What properly goes in your burrito? The following are mandatory: refried beans, black beans, yellow rice, lettuce, tomato, onion, sour cream, cheese, avocado, salt, cilantro, splash lime and hot peppers to taste. This is called the burrito meridian line. So called because a burrito with these ingredients can sustain human life indefinitely.
Additions should be made for 'special needs' diets. For instance, a steak burrito with extra avocado is considered the complete tortilla wrapped meal. If you have not eaten in three days, try this burrito. You will need to lay down for an hour, but then you can go another three days without food.
Putting the video and burrito together is the most delicate part of the process. Do not touch the burrito before you insert the video, cue the movie and press pause. This way you minimize dirty love sauce gunking up the remote.
Shop towels are your best napkin choice for a burrito. Make sure the burrito sits on your widest circumference plate. Then press play and wipe off that drool because you are about to get fed in the eye, ear, nose and mouth holes.
##^^##
Francois Jusophile
First collect 10 coupons so that you finally get a free video. You rented 10 videos, this one is free. Take a moment to be proud. People scoffed when you said you would collect 10 coupons and that most rare of prize, the free video. You have shown resourcefulness. You have flashed your mettle. Now go get a free video and use the money to buy a burrito. Because kid, you earned it.
At the video store look to see who is on duty. Have you had outside relations with this person? No? Good. We advise against having any relations outside the video store with the people working in it. Do anything with them you want inside the store. But do not muddy things with external video store activities. Many a good video store has been lost due to not knowing proper boundaries.
Upon approaching the counter remember your taste is not as good as the video store clerk's. Your eye not as sharp, your taste for film not as fine. That you are returning a whimsical teen sex romp does not improve your status. Do not bother with, "I'm returning it for my friend." It makes the video store clerk sad.
Get a quick lay of the store. Who is in here? Is the foreign guy who vacuums the place here? He is the one who knows all the new releases. But do not ask for his opinions regarding movie quality. He will give a movie thumbs up because it has a French person getting fondled in an alley on the cover.
Everybody in the store is about to steal your movie. The impatient girl in sweatpants, the lurking slow guy, even the mother/daughter team from Gdansk. Do not give quarter in the video store. But, beginning with new releases, thrust and parry until you have secured the evening's cinematic feast.
What do we want? What do we ever want? Why are we sitting in this flourescently lit strip mall box, perusing (mostly) mediocre entertainment products foisted upon us by multinational corporations concerned above all with enriching the ugly and the mean?
That preceding crisis of faith should not be enacted in the video store. Here is not the place to begin the process of becoming a true believer like Joan of Arc. You are here to check out Joan of Arc. Preferably in surround sound while munching popcorn and wondering if she was as cute as she was committed.
If you start to get lingering doubts, quickly find something with partial nudity shot in Lille, France. Present your coupons to the video store clerk. Do not feel ashamed of paying with coupons. Even if the video store clerk cannot be bothered to count them because the whole business is, well, sad.
Nor should you flinch when the clerk whistles hopelessly upon inspecting your choice of video. You must complete this transaction and move on to your next destination.
A burrito awaits. Burritos are complicated, mysterious animals. They are plump with promise but can conceal explosive regret. Pick your burrito shop wisely. Burritos are as much about consistency as they are about greatness.
What properly goes in your burrito? The following are mandatory: refried beans, black beans, yellow rice, lettuce, tomato, onion, sour cream, cheese, avocado, salt, cilantro, splash lime and hot peppers to taste. This is called the burrito meridian line. So called because a burrito with these ingredients can sustain human life indefinitely.
Additions should be made for 'special needs' diets. For instance, a steak burrito with extra avocado is considered the complete tortilla wrapped meal. If you have not eaten in three days, try this burrito. You will need to lay down for an hour, but then you can go another three days without food.
Putting the video and burrito together is the most delicate part of the process. Do not touch the burrito before you insert the video, cue the movie and press pause. This way you minimize dirty love sauce gunking up the remote.
Shop towels are your best napkin choice for a burrito. Make sure the burrito sits on your widest circumference plate. Then press play and wipe off that drool because you are about to get fed in the eye, ear, nose and mouth holes.
##^^##
posted by RSS Spirit Combine | 10:33 AM
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