sweet swag chicago

What these latest municipal scandals tell us: if you are not stealing your city, your city is stealing you. You might be heard to mutter, "But how can I, with no clout heavy relatives or mob membership card, steal from my city?" Thing is, us regular citizens need to do our part. Even us nobody mooks can pilfer our way back into the plus column.

First, check your attitude. Do not moan about getting fleeced, prison style, by a city department gangbang. Instead ask, "How can I get in on this?" When you are a victim of a robbery, be it your tax money or bridge toll, you are actually being taught a valuable lesson. Apply successful theft concepts perpetrated upon you to your own stealing strategy. A winning bandit is a studious one.

Opportunity begins at home. Some people complain that stealing means you must leave the house. Think about it, what about the cable? Why are you paying for it? The same question applies to all your utilities. Or get on your computer and apply to become a minority contractor. Soon your shell company will receive kickbacks from local kingpins. You can begin ripping off while not even taking off your PJ's.

Once you manage to get yourself out of the house, ask yourself, "Is the city sticker on my car legitimate?" Silly rabbit, crack addicts sell stolen ones for ten dollars. Now look around your property. Does it need any work? The cheapest construction crew around can be found in your local ward yard. Make friends with supervisors to receive cut-rate building materials and 'cash and carry' labor.

Never pay another parking ticket again, if you own removable magnetic license plates. Simply take your tags with you and park as you wish. While driving around, look for blue trash bags. Why does the city own the recycling racket? You should scavenge bottles and cans and use the money to purchase items at wildcat establishments which do not bother with sales tax. Add nine percent to the price? No thank you.

The real art of theft is in the commercial field. Here is where you can leverage your business acumen to steal many dollars at once. From bribed health inspectors to federal project liaisons, the real thieves work for the city. A quick way to wealth, yes, but do not be selfish. Remember to tip out your fellow crook. Nobody likes a robber who does not spread it around.

This means kicking back not only to aldermen and other big wigs, but also to the little guys. The clerk who forges the documents, the truck driver who delivers the stolen computers, the inspector who ignores the telltale odor of rodent infestation – they need love too.

It takes a village to steal a village. That ancient African proverb has never been truer. Because in Chicago there are two types of citizens – Stealers and The Stolen. And perhaps everyone can agree, Stealers have more fun.

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Chicago Storefront Obituaries

Occult Store

This mystical storefront was the place to go for your spiritual and spellcasting needs. Patrons particularly remember the specially concocted floor wax. It not only shined up old linoleum, it also conjured success, love or money (depending on which flavor you chose.)

Professionals and hobbyists alike enjoyed the variety of ingredients available to enable the 'enchanting arts.' One regular recalls that the owners may have been witches, but they ate McDonald's at lunch like the rest of us.

Cause of death: neighborhood's deterioration of soul.

Arty Crafty Collective

This storefront featured over a dozen artists displaying an eclectic array of stuff. From desperate pleas inscribed on driftwood, to posters of elongated babies, to colorful Japanese snack food – patrons remember a place where a gift for the deranged could always be found.

The store also hosted some nice events. Like soap making classes and one memorable art opening that ended with a sloppy makeout session by the back sink.

Cause of death: chronic lack of culture of this country.

Drug Dealer's Girlfriend's Salon

An ambitious venture, this storefront offered a number of salon services – hair, manicure, pedicure, even chair massage. The owner dated a drug dealer who needed to launder cash through a legitimate business. This coincided nicely with the owner's desire to open a 'real classy' salon. Customers remember a lot of mirrors and upbeat dance music.

Although some patrons recall occasionally erratic service, everybody fondly recalls the complimentary white wine spritzer with every haircut.

Cause of death: terminal ignorance of how to run a business.

Local Library Branch

This corner storefront worked hard for the money. A motley band of librarians took on all neighborhood urchins and their strange requests. Two small rooms were stuffed ceiling to floor with books. At the tables sat homeless with no work and school kids with homework. One librarian was widely regarded as 'pretty hot.'

Card holding members recall a productive if occasionally stinky atmosphere. The librarians, god bless them, worked hard to keep good new fiction on the shelves and fill out the rest on a meager budget. One member recalls the massive amounts of free but useless brochures moldering by the door.

Cause of death: the city moved into the stolen asphalt racket and could no longer be bothered with libraries.

Hardware Store

A corner storefront that crammed many tools and bits into a fluorescently lit room. An overweight hippy worked weekdays. He looked incompetent but in fact knew a lot about hardware. Not to mention pest abatement, color matching and which set of lawn darts to buy.

Customers remember the smell of the place and a scary Santa Claus that moved mechanically in the window every December. One regular recalls finding a door hinge that had not been manufactured in twenty years. Another says she frequently heard a mysterious grinding in back.

Cause of death: slave labor from China making cheap products to fill five-acre mega stores.

Hipster Bar

This storefront 'hole in the wall' served local hipsters and dirt bags during its lifetime. Weeknights were meat markets while weekends were crowded meat markets. Yes, the DJ's spun erratically and the bartenders were surly. But one longtime patron remembers buying good weed from both DJs and bartenders.

Hot meat was known to frequent the place. It dressed in black, smoked Marlboro Lights and ordered the PBR beer special. The televisions were also fun. A regular recalls how one night he saw 8 decapitations in kung-fu form.

Cause of death: the owner was not getting laid enough out of the place like he used to.

How to Succeed at The Laundromat

Lady Suds Macbeth

A conceptual overview

First consider, do I really have to go? Just because a litter of wild cats mewls in my mountain of dirty laundry, do I really have to? The laundromat is a place where needs are met, not wants. You come here to find love, death and redemption in a cup of bleach. So ask yourself: Do I really have to go into that crazy ass place with all those crazy ass people?

Eventually the answer will be yes. And so we arrive. Trembling and fearful. One never knows what the conditions will be like at the 'mat. There are many considerations to weigh before putting any clothes in a washer. First, find your 'attendant on duty.' You should be familiar with all your day/night managers. They will be your spirit guides. They will find you bright clean places free of mentally deranged people. And they know which dryers give good heat.

Laundromat managers lead exciting lives and, if you show you are trustworthy, will offer pleasant diversion. Perhaps you will hear about a pornography collection burned in a devastating fire; or a small child who happens to be a compulsive thief; or an escape from drunken soldiers while crossing the Pakistani border at midnight.

Sometimes the 'attendant on duty' is busy and therefore you must size the place up for yourself. Here is a good checklist to focus your initial logistical assessment. Spot and avoid the following type people:

1) Flabbergasted
2) Junkie
3) Quiet with taped boots
4) Caffeinated kids
5) Thin and crying

Conversely there will be people with whom you want to share space. Find and draw yourself to:

A) An old guy in a sharp hat
B) People with reading materials
C) Unfocused eyes and gossiping

With a good space staked out you can get into action. If, by any reason, you think of using a single loader, go back to the beginning and ask yourself, do I really need to be here? Never use a single loader. Only use the power front loaders. The big drums are where the job gets done. Take heed of the old pro grandma who comes in with 500 pounds of laundry and does it in three loads.

We are not here because we want, rather, because we need.

Use bleach on whites. Keep an open mind about fabric softener. Some people get high and/or hives from it and should be kept away. Sample on people before using on clothes. Make sure your laundromat gives up the water nice and hot. Nothing spoils a 'whites with bleach' wash like lukewarm water. Sometimes these owners have to put their kids through expensive colleges and do so at your water temperature's expense. This cannot be tolerated.

Once the prewash cycle sprays into action, do a quick logistics update. Things happen fast at the 'mat. One minute you stand next to scented plants and pleasant old timers. The next your are surrounded by a pack of halfway house indigents with stuffed duffel bags. Nimble is not a symbol at the 'mat, but rather like a cymbal, keeps us up to speed.

Here is a 'phase two' scouting checklist:
1. Check the TV. Should we watch? If in doubt, ask yourself: Does it feature people with low self-esteem engaging in risky behavior? Then yes.
2. Vending machines. Also any prize machines or video games. Good times can be had running over streetwalkers on video while displaying the temporary tattoo you just purchased.
3. Free reading material. Be aggressive. If it is sitting two minutes, it is free game. Or try the local free rag to learn of the wide variety of crimes committed in your neighborhood.

Add supplies for main wash. Go outside. Look for stuff on the ground in the parking lot. Think about, but do not get, a taco across the street. Scout out hot dryers. Make the switch to dry cycle. Do a 'phase 3' scouting. Phase 3 seeks to build on previous relationships and is entirely dependent on the situation in the field. For instance:

The dry cycle is a good time to clinch a love connection you may have developed. Or help a kid with homework. Or look in the classifieds for a classic 1978 Ford Thunderbird. The dry cycle is not for idle hands. It is for lovers, teachers and learners of what that slut did on All My Children.

When you get to folding remember to nurture your inner obsessive compulsive. Hot clothes out of the dryer have been given new life, and like many new lives, the early wrinkles they endure will stay for a lifetime. Smooth out all sides before fluffing and stacking.

If you are still considering falling in love the folding cycle is pretty much your last opportunity. There s/he is. They sit on a cracked plastic molded chair and do some puzzle. They are beautiful in their boredom. You feel you could fold their laundry crisply and with vigor if given an opportunity.

Oh well, too late, time to go. There is no lollygagging at the laundromat. After you hoist your load, kiss your 'attendant on duty' and buy a kid a temporary tattoo, it is time to go. And the cycle is complete.

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