Your 'Saturday co-ed social league' flag football team scouting report.

Quarterback: Over competitive former high school football star who tends to throw interceptions at the worst time. Strong arm, good eye, but usually hungover and prone to fits of petulance. Susceptible to taunts of "You blew that playoff game against Evanston 11 years ago, didn't you?"

Running back: Fireplug shaped girl with softball/soccer background. Slow first step, but deceptively vicious, especially with elbows to the soft bits. Has been known to pass the ball on trick plays. Propensity to fight with teammate boyfriend. Will fumble the ball if her ample backside is groped while reaching for flag.

Guard: Overweight guy with no discernible athletic talent. Throws great parties after game so it is not advised to injure or humiliate him.

Center: Large, slow guy with a knack for illegal holding and flagrant spitting. Has usually started drinking by game time. Impervious to insult and taunts, can easily handle two or more regular sized people. Due to misplaced sense of honor, will not rough up girls, who can frequently get around him.

Split End: Lonely girl looking for love on a co-ed social league football team. Intense office worker type, rarely involved in the play, but does know the rules extremely well if an argument arises.

Wide Receiver: Former college basketball player who takes everything way too seriously. His coordinated outfit and overpriced gloves are a dead give away. In too good of shape, he will require several different defenders over the course of a game. Long, lanky, great hands, but easily put off his game with cheap shots and dirty play.

Tight end: She is former cheerleader and powder puff football league MVP. Frighteningly good looking and maliciously talented. Hypnotic green eyes tend to lull vulnerable defenders. Crafty, can make clutch catches. Learned roll blocks in powder puff football and will chop down opponents at the knees.

###

The First Friday Art Opening Shuffle

The 'Gallery Owner is Independently Wealthy' Gallery

∞ Artist: Pungent academic who thinks too much about the crisis of post modernism.

☻Free stuff? Copious wine but no snacks (in order to loosen your inhibitions about buying the painting, "Not Again Mommy.")

♥ Hook up potential: Middling. Hard to distinguish downtown alley cat from uptown prickly prig.

► Representative quote: "Five years ago you could have bought her for 50 dollars and a meatloaf special."

The 'We Actually Try to Make Money' Gallery

∞ Artist: Insanely productive Slav desperately attempting to pay the rent with terrifying landscapes in acrylic.

☻Free stuff? Wine, snacks and match books with the gallery's info (quickly devoured by chain smoking, chain drinking friends of the artist.)

♥ Hook up potential: Above average. But avoid making out by the meatpacking plant next door.

► Representative Quote: "He had to quit the whole 'biker gang meth thing' to concentrate on his painting."

The 'Hungry Freak Cooperative' Gallery

∞ Artist: 6 malnourished MFA's meditating on the theme of 'interorificial cranial penetration' in video and paint form.

☻Free stuff? Old Style in cans and a stolen craft-service deli tray. There is also a raffle for a piece of driftwood, on which is scrawled a tiny plea for help.

♥ Hook up potential: Pretty good. Chat up people who are entranced by the video installation of naked people wearing horse heads and slap fighting.

► Representative Quote: "Can you pitch in a couple bucks? We need to get more beer."

The 'Greasy Basement Industrial Factory' Gallery

∞ Artist: Sunlight deprived pot-head exploring the relationship between pneumatic nail guns and Pre-Raphaelite faeries with gossamer wings.

☻Free stuff? Scrounge for contraband consumed by furtive clusters in dark, dusty corners.

♥ Hook up potential: Very good. Grope slumming office workers by the slop-sink in back.

► Representative Quote: "The artist didn't leave his studio for three months. And there's no bathroom in there."

###