Latest Forecast from the Meteorological Conspiracy Theorist Service

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Do you know that it all depends upon the weather? Everything. All that we do, think or dream. No wonder evil geniuses throughout time have attempted to control the weather. From it all things spew forth.

Beware the ides of low fronts. More government coups have occurred during tropical depressions than in any atmospheric condition. Think about it. The very equilibrium upon which us sacks of blood and brain attempt to navigate gravity suddenly plummets. We diffuse, osmotically, into an atmosphere electrically charged. Violent storms erupt and a new flag is hung high on a dawn of clouds.

Do you know that it is possible for man to control the weather? It is called telleuric magnetism, and you will remember this forecast when you are at the mercy of a dark overlord threatening famine with a wink of an eye. Wake up people, this is the long term forecast. Gloom and glacial drift to those who lose vigilance.

Where does the weather start? It starts, for us big brained monkeys here on earth, in the middle of the sun. Here is where electromagnetism arrives from nowhere and blows huge solar winds on us without surcease. These winds whip us and so we spin. Inside of the earth there is a mini version of the sun's incredible hypno-magnetism. It is called the molten core. It powers out vast currents into our small pocket of air sealed crust.

The molten core is the nucleus that takes its directions from the sun's bigger nucleus which takes its directions from the solar system's bigger nucleus, which takes its directions from the galaxy's bigger nucleus and so on.

We sit on a comparitively miniscule organism. It listens to the universe and navigates the weather according to changing cosmological conditions. Ever heard of being in touch with the universe? Well it is easy. Realize that it all depends upon the weather.

So far no evil genius has managed to poison the luscious magma of electromagnetism that gives us infinity for free. Yet we must stay aware. Insidious experiments are ongoing. Those of us who know that 'it all depends upon the weather' must ensure this astronomical force stays unmolested by devious fingers.

For your five day forecast we see bright rays beaming universal delight.

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Fight with your lover, and win!

Constance Bickering

Assume at the outset a countenance of complete conviction. You are in the right morally, spiritually and lawfully in any democratic country. The fact that your partner attempts to argue with you reveals the first crack in the armor. Assure your lover there is no way of winning this one. Please do not even try. Nothing said or done or testified to a grand jury will make a difference.

Yet your lover argues on, not heeding your advice, given only in the spirit of compassion. And so the battle is joined. First you size up your foe. Lovers, regardless of how wrong they are, can still cause damage. They know your soft spots and with one utterance can flush your face with sputtering rage. Lovers maliciously mistake cruel for kind.

Sputtering rage does not win fights. Smirks of superior condescension do. As do nods of, "Listen to Einstein over there." The first one who spits, "Don't be an ass" two octaves too high is the loser of round one.

As the fight ensues keep proper body positioning. Avoid standing on a chair, flapping arms and screeching, "You have no new tale to tell!" This signals distress. Stay seated. Stay motionless to display a demeanor of indifference. Then, after your lover has stupidly looked away, say, "Your god has forsaken you."

The subject of the fight is not that important, but will help determine strategy. If about money assume self righteousness. If about personal behavior affix contempt. If about hair in the sink curl a snarl. If about general worthiness assume spite for your lover's judgment, foresight and taste in package vacations.

There will be moments when things get a bit tricky. Like when the DNA evidence is presented. Or when your timeline of events is shown to have excluded last month. Or when your lover maliciously mentions the unfortunate incident behind the White Hen Pantry. If things get sticky use these lubricating techniques:

1) Claim you have multiple personalities. Regress to "Mercedes," a 7 year old girl lost in a strip mall.

2) Mimic what your lover says as if your lover was a mutant troll from the center of the earth.

3) Repeat as necessary: "This is all about your relationship with [insert insane relative of lover here.]"

Pets, children, neighbors and social workers can get in the middle of a lover's quarrel. You need to turn them to your advantage. Anybody who will understand like you understand that your lover is dangerously (and congenitally) mistaken is a friend. Court others by agreeing with whatever your lover says like you would a 4 year old. Or ask the third party whether it is OK to pee on the car of that skank in human resources? Hug and feed interlopers to emphasize what a loving, generous person you are. One who would never secretly invest in a restaurant with a drug dealing friend from high school.

How do we know if we have won a lover's fight? If we instinctively do not turn our back on our lover, this typically signals victory. Remember winning is only a common goal two lovers agree to before beginning a fight. Winning can mean many things. Like which city you move to, what name you call yourself and which make-believe god your kid must worship.

Winning easily gets confused with the material things. Like a new sweater purchased under heavy protest. Or driving a classic Chevy Nova out of an aged burnout's garage. But really winning is about the joy of hearing your lover, outgunned, outmanned and outwitted change the subject to why not figure out dinner if you know everything?

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