Society Wag Wandering - spring fertility dance party

Dateline: Over there near the school and that weird art bar

In celebration of some fertility ritual a dance party was held in west Bucktown last night. Also for some reason there were people in costumes. There was a very tall guy in a Mama Kass outfit, Frieda Kahlo, a redneck rapper named Cracker Back In Time. Some guy came as the orange level terror alert - high. Perhaps cutest was a sailor girl; perhaps strangest was a technicolor religious icon T-shirt wearing cowboy.

The booze was good, the hotness level was not bad. On the mic were a variety of local I-Pod owners. The music at these I-Pod DJ parties never turns out great. Like a potluck supper the flavors get muddled rather than high.

The dancing was sporadic, occasional brilliance did flare up. A girl in a spunky hat busted it out. She took on an over-aggressive tall, skinny couple. She quickly pushed them right off the center of the floor. Then Mama Kass took over the floor for a minute. Later these two gangly girls arrived and did a spirited flop-about that was quite sharp. And still later these Brazilian guys skipped in and showed us how it really is done.

Question: Should you fall in love with a Jewish woman who smokes and drinks Jim Beam straight?

Answer: If you believe you can handle the truth, by all means step and take a shot.

Question: What if you have a certain prejudice against a group of people. Say, actors for instance. You usually dismiss all actors as lower forms of humanity. They are flighty, annoying and soul sucking attention whores. But you meet this one actor who is totally awesome. You think, maybe actors are not so bad after all?

Answer: No, actors are still bad. But there are rare exceptions. If you find an actor who is not a total pain in the ass you should encourage him or her. Something like, "Wow you're not a total sniveling dickweed like almost every actor, how refreshing."

Question: Are smokers still cooler than nonsmokers?

Answer: Sad, yes, because we just quit smoking, which we recommend by the way. Smoking, it turns out, makes you feel like total crap. But we also recommend for us non-smokers to make a trip out to the back porch where all the smokers huddle. Smokers – more emotionally unstable, orally fixated and physically addicted –lead a more 'rock and roll' life than we do. Hang out with the smokers for a couple minutes to stink up your clothes and learn what cool really is.

Question: Do people fall in love more in the springtime?

Answer: As evidenced by this fertility holiday dance party, people are definitely looking to mate more in the spring. However love is, as ever, a fickle handmaiden. Spring does bring out a definite high note in the female reproductive cycle. The women last night were moving it so hard and good. The guys could not keep up. In fact I noticed a bit of lethargy on the male side of the dance floor. Perhaps the guys were conserving energy for the fistfight at the end of the night over who gets to take home the dame.

Question: Is it acceptable to grope a loved one in the bathroom?

Answer: Please, just a kiss or two, some of us have small bladders; we do not want to have to pee off the side of the porch. Unless of course it is raining, then it is OK to pee off the porch.

Question: Is it still acceptable to celebrate holidays I know to be based upon fictitious myths?

Answer: Absolutely. We should take the Japanese as our examples. They celebrate every holiday that comes down the pike. A juicy pantheism is much more healthy than an arid atheism.

Society Wag Wandering - The NBA Ball

Why do the ladies doll up when going to a pro basketball game? While watching the Bulls we notice lots of women busting out the butt hugging jeans and the sassy shirts. God bless we say. But we wonder, why? Do they think the devilish power forward is going to get a ball boy to deliver them a note? Maybe, you never can be sure.

From the minute we sit down we are stimulated. Mascots, cheerleaders, beer vendors, basketball players and the whole video smorgasbord on the jumbotron. The stuff you see on the jumbotron is not free however. Once in awhile they make you look at ugly people kissing in the stands.

We must hand it to those in charge of fan stimulation. There is never a dull moment. We perhaps hit our most frenzied during the Dunken Donuts cartoon race on the jumbotron. This is where you bet on either a bagel, donut or coffee, who then race around a track. Sad to say we do not win. We do win a free jug of water later. But the thing is, we can get water out of the tap. Donuts we usually must travel to and wait in line for.

The stadium is fairly racially integrated. Rare for this town. The color of the person inside the Bull costume we can not ascertain. But they dance like nobody's business, so we are guessing Philippine or Latvian.

The stadium is evenly divided between families, gangs of drunks and corporate client entertainment clusters. We sit behind some corporate tools. Two guys and two girls in corporately accepted entertainment wear. They each drink one beer. They each gossip among themselves.

To the right of us we have friends swilling beer, talking on cell phones, lecturing each other.

Nearby sit a couple of families. During a break we hear "Greased Lightning" on the PA. We notice that even young kids know the words to this song from "Grease." Is that movie still shown to impressionable youth? For the kids' sake, we hope not.

Pro basketball is pretty fun. There are 7 foot centers and world class ball handlers and angry looking foreigners with bad haircuts. Somebody please, get that Lithuanian import a hair cut. Give him a little upgrade on the Baltic Boxcar.

It is awesome to see old basketball players bust out for a huge game. We watch a veteran with an electric yellow headband play an amazing game. He cannot miss a shot. Probably his season high points scored. Lesson learned: there is a magic on the hardwood in unexpected places if you look.

But looking is hard when you can instead look at all these hot asses in jeans. Why are all these women busting it out? Is it because the tickets are so expensive? I mean, the crowd is drinking MGD in plastic cups, eating nachos and screaming disturbing stuff about the ref's family - no need to dress up. Of course we appreciate it when the ladies bust it out. But it is a little distracting. We are supposed to be paying attention to pituitary cases wearing underwear trying to put a ball in a hoop. Instead all we can think about is frolicking, giggling and spanking plump protuberances in Levis.

The home team wins and we are glad...

Society Wag Wandering - lefty magazine dance party fundraiser

The donation is for between five and ten dollars. Something about a lefty magazine fundraiser brings out the frugal marxist in us, so we give ten for two.

What is the state of the lefty magazine these days? From the various publications stacked on a table for the taking, it looks pretty good. War and two terms of Bush have energized lefty magazines into a semblance of efficiency. The articles have been proofread, the graphics are professional, they even have hot lefty models to lure us in.

But we are not here to read about the sad state of the world. We are here to drink 2 dollar PBRs and dance. We are not at any nightclub, we are at a state of the art "listening space." We are not sure what that means, all we know is the owners paid a buttload for the speakers. It sounds pretty good, but by the way everybody talks about it, we should all be standing quietly absorbing the harmonic epiphany. Frankly after four PBRs we're happy to listen to a jukebox.

We get a drink. We try and dance. It is a little tough. The DJs are guest DJs and you know what that means. Free DJs. Free DJs usually are bad DJs. Good DJs are insufferable prima donnas who demand cash up front. Bad DJs have a lot of vinyl dedicated to 'real musical talent.'

Etiquette Question: How does one approach another and let them know how hot his/her ass is? After all, it seems OK to mention somebody's shirt or mention if somebody lost weight. But if you say, "You might have lost your mind yet your ass endures," it never comes out as a compliment. Everybody is a little touchy about the ass area. The ancient prohibition against touching one's ass perhaps?

The editor of the lefty magazine is looking good. He wears a clean shirt anyway. Looks to have bathed recently. Two 'lefty editor loving' women cling to him. They dance. Or try to. We all try to. The guest DJs are muddling about.

The lefty magazine fundraiser seems to consist mostly of conspiratorial conversations. Little groups cluster on the hipster lounge modules lined around the walls. In twos and threes people share gossip, professional secrets and where to vacation in Mexico. Apparently Merida is the place at the moment. Remember, Mexico is the country of all of our futures. So get down there and inhale the sweet Yucatan air soon.

We bum beers off friends because we feel like penniless marxists. These midweek fundraisers always hit the wallet at its most vulnerable. Mostly people sit around and keep an eye out for a weekend date. This is the type of affair where one's skills at pretending to pay attention become valuable. Try and pick a group of two to pretend to listen to. That way you can keep an eye on both of them in case they look at you expecting a response. A whole party can be whittled away easily with this method.

Thank god, a DJ with a clue (of sorts) pops up in the booth. We dance. From unseen hipster niches stream beautiful women. They frolic to the hip hop. We are momentarily stunned by this one beauty. She looks Polish. Absolutely a wonder to behold.

Frankly she was worth the price of admission to the lefty magazine fundraiser....

Society Wag Wandering – lonely 'VIP Listeners' event

Dateline: A hotel with attitude on East Wacker.

What sort of people listen to love songs? And what sort of people listen to a radio station that plays only love songs? And what sort of people listen to a love song station so much that they win call-in contests for a 'VIP Listener' event held in a hotel ballroom? Our research indicates they are either distressed white women with oddly shaped boyfriends, or sentimental black women with agitated boyfriends.

A quick suggestion to radio stations trying to have supposedly 'classy' events for 'VIP Listeners.' More food, better music and get rid of the satinate chair coverings. Until the third martini it was like I was at a nightmare prom in a lowardly mobile suburb.

Question: Should one try to grope the on-air staff of a station that plays only love songs?

Answer: Tread lightly here. It is fun to hear one's name uttered in the throes of ecstasy by a voice heard every afternoon from two till six. But one quickly realizes the radio industry attracts a lot of unstable psychopaths. Also they usually have burdensome financial obligations due to getting involved in a number of awkward family arrangements.

Question: Say for instance, you went to a 'VIP Listeners' event because your friend works for the station. Then after the shindig the folks who work at the station go up to the boss's hotel suite for some champagne and pizza. You start off behaving pretty well. Then voices are raised, propositions are made and champagne glasses are 'accidentally' dropped on the floor on the way out. In what medium do you make the Monday morning apology so that your friend keeps their job?

Answer: As long as body parts were not inserted into the boss's lover, a tactful email should get the job done.

The 44 Uses For Sex - #13

Type: Universal

Title: Sex For Boredom Eradication

Purpose: Boredom is a feature of all but the most primitive societies. It is a terminal illness that must be rigorously eliminated. Sex is a time-tested method for conquering boredom.

Description: Sex alleviates boredom by killing time. The awareness of time is one of the banes of human existence. Boredom defined: the state of being unbearably overburdened by the ceaseless tick-tock of a stopped clock. Sex produces many time-killing antibodies, a natural antidote to boredom.

Formula: A is bored. A has sex with B. A is no longer bored.

Representative Example: David and Peter sit in David's apartment. Outside, an extreme meteorological event occurs. It allows for no travel outside the confines of the apartment. David and Peter grow bored. They gnash their teeth, argue and pluck out each other's hairs. They both experience an intolerable state of inertia. They have sex. They work each other over in various rooms in the apartment. Boredom quickly dissipates.

History: There was a time, long ago, when boredom did not exist. This is remembered in mythology as paradise. But humans with their big brains soon realized that time keeps marching on. And so we were thrown out of paradise and into a world of time shackled to our wrists. Throughout history, sex has been both a fashionable and frowned upon method of beating boredom. The debate goes on to this very day.

Strategy: Not as easy as it seems. One must first find another 'bored to tears' individual to initiate the process. Thankfully, boredom frequently happens in group settings. School, work and community are all places with a high risk of boredom infestation. Like-minded bored people seek out each other by saying things like, "Please, somebody put a nail through my skull."

Positions and Environments: Spontaneous, spur of the moment positions are typical. Bent over a sink for example. In or near brick buildings in industrial corridors that serve cocktails or print documents and forms are frequent environments.

Health Issues: Boredom is a disease that requires an antidote so strong one must expect side affects. Occasionally it will require that one leave one's place of employment or worship. Other times one can find oneself groping deranged sociopaths.

But the debate between whether sex should or should not be used has been conclusively proven in the favor of rigorous application. The terrible advanced symptoms of boredom are too terrible to take any chances. Sex should always be considered in chronic cases.

Future Prospects: As long as society stays above the rudimentary civilization line, no sure thing, then boredom will need snuffing. Progressive minded social workers have recently advocated for the establishment of 'get over the hump' meetings. Here idle individuals efficiently find mutual deterrence against gourd-busting boredom.

In the future, the cure for this most pernicious malady might be found in local community centers.

The 44 Uses for Sex - #24

Type: Modern

Title: Sex for Career Objective

Purpose: The modern workplace is a highly political, competitive arena. Sex is used to get a job, move up within a job, or to move others up in order to solidify one's job status.

Description: Perhaps the quintessential modern use of sex, it has proven extremely effective. The close daily proximity of ambitious people toiling under fluorescent lights nearly forces sex into the situation.

Contrary to all attempts to regulate, legislate and adjudicate it, sex as a career builder has been employed by over 90% of humanity.

Formula: X desires career objective. X has sex with Y. Y provides X with career objective.

Representative Example: Andrew and Cynthia work in the same law firm. Cynthia is Andrew's supervisor and firm partner. Andrew desires to become partner. Cynthia desires that Andrew become partner. Against explicit firm policy, they start having sex. This requires sneaking around and occasionally escaping out the back exits of restaurants (if somebody who works at the firm shows up.)

Andrew uses sex to keep Cynthia advocating for him. Cynthia uses sex to break Andrew down so that he listens to her sage wisdom. Andrew gets from Cynthia the steps he needs to make partner. Cynthia gets from Andrew her world rocked and another partner in the firm loyal to her.

History: This use of sex began, not coincidentally, with the rise of the modern, co-gender workplace. After World War II, offices began welcoming women into the fold. Their percentage increased until today workplaces are almost entirely integrated.

Sex for political gain is an old recipe. But in today's workplace it has become central. Today it is applied equally by both sexes to obtain highly sophisticated career goals. These can include money, boats and boats filled with money.

Strategy: Identifying the correct individual to have sex with is the first obstacle. One must ascertain who can actually affect the desired career objective. The second task is to have a specific career objective in mind before having the sex. Frequently sex is frittered away on vague promises and future maybes. The successful sex for career user will know exactly who s/he wants to have sex with and why.

Positions and Environments: The most popular position is front to back. Common environments include on tables and in hotel hallways. The workplace is, oddly enough, an infrequently occurring environment, although workplace parking lots are occasionally used in a pinch. As are bathrooms at establishments hosting company parties.

Health Issues: Stress is a frequent complaint when using sex for this purpose. However, this is mitigated by the fact that those who experience slow career growth endure higher stress. Thus, the stress incurred while seducing a co-worker is well worth it, if it leads to expedited career advancement.

This type sex also has a tendency to be rough and freewheeling. Participants are urged to take precaution with adequate lubrication.

Future Prospects: The modern workplace is a complex culture. It is becoming ever more complicated. This means sex will always be a valued tool when navigating precarious organizational politics. Business efficiency experts have shown that companies become more productive when sex on the job is copious. In the future, offices that wish to maximize profitability might very well encourage co-worker romance.

In the future, the most innovative companies, instead of ping-pong tables and nap rooms, will offer employee love lounges. Here canoodling officemates can take a 15 minute respite from the rigors of the modern office grind.

25 Places You Never Been To In Philly

#15 of a series in which the author attempts to recollect long lost places in this haunted east coast city.

47th and Chester – gentle slopes and severe pedestrians.

For a number of years I daily encountered this intersection. It manages to be sleepy and lively all at once. The 13 trolley stops here on its way up and down Chester Avenue. Mostly residential in nature, the intersection does feature a little grocery on the southwest corner. And down on 47th there is a beer and hoagie shop. I would recommend avoiding the hoagie there actually. Go for the cheese-steak with Whizz, grilled onions and ketchup. Wash it down with a Lord Chesterfield's Ale. A local brew that packs a punch and is served in carelessly rewashed bottles.

The intersection slopes down towards the northeast. It bisects an old Victorian neighborhood, one of the city's first suburbs. Late 19th century houses abound in all four directions. Even the grocery store is built into a Victorian three flat. Somebody stuck a jutting brick box off the first floor. Into which one now can enter and acquire lottery tickets, chicken parts and snack food.

When I first moved into the 'hood the grocery was run by a family of tall Jews. They still considered it a real grocery store, complete with carts and multi checkout lines. Not that they ever needed more than one register open. The brother who was always there would dutifully open another register if I was trapped behind a doddering neighborhood urchin.

The store sits on the southwest corner. In front of the store is the eastbound trolley stop. Yes, the trolleys are aesthetically pleasing. Impressive steel boxes strung on a wire. But something about riding them always made me nauseous. I think it is because they are so heavy, the lurching and halting made me want to puke. Once, while on the trolley and eavesdropping on a cute girl, I heard her say the exact same thing. Riding the trolley made her sick.

But they are air-conditioned crisply in the summertime. It gets very hot in Philly in the summer. The sun pounds you into goo on the blinding sidewalk. Luckily there are a number of shady trees in and around this intersection. I would recommend the northwest corner as the intersection's best to escape the summer sun.

Back to the store. After a couple years the Jews sold the grocery to this couple. She was Korean, he was a Vietnam Veteran. They yelled at each other and treated the store like it was their living room. She had a daughter who went to Penn. I foolishly told the Korean mother I went there. The next four years every time I walked in she regaled me with stories of how expensive it was, how her daughter was doing there and other items of information only a mother would care about.

I would walk in there after work – buy dinner, cigarettes and the Daily News. A typical visit usually included the owners yelling at each other. There was always a line of neighborhood people slumped at a register enclosed behind bulletproof glass. The neighborhood was an odd-lot mix. There were regular people, ghetto urchins and a sprinkling of alterna-freaks. Do not forget a few old people who would always clog the aisles. I always took a hard left upon entering the store, used the far aisle. There is a better chance of avoiding slow moving neighborhood detritus over here.

But let us get out of the store. The fluorescent lights and domestic strife are a bit much for the senses. On the northeast side of the street is a 4-story apartment building. I would guess it is from the early 1920's, perhaps earlier. It is Section-8 friendly. There was always entertainment to be found in the windows. Figures lurking, old men staring, women yelling, kids screaming, music blaring and curtains mysteriously closing.

I once knew a woman who lived in there. She was beautiful. Maybe the hottest thing in the neighborhood. And she had two kids. I used to go visit her, run up those stairs, hoping I did not bump into any Section-8 hoodlums. In her overheated apartment she would lay it on me like I will never forget. Simply scrumptious. God bless her is all I can say. And bless the Royal Arms or whatever silly name they call that apartment building. (If you can find the building's superintendent he will tell a few extremely offensive jokes.)

Across the street on the southeast corner is a Victorian house with a big porch. It housed a variety of renters over the years. At first there was a real messy but quiet family who had all this junk on the porch. Then they moved out and in came some country folks who did nothing but get loud and drunk on the porch every day. They got rid of them and put in a group of grungy looking alternative freaks. This did not last long either.

Crossing the street again, in front of the store, we return to the eastbound trolley stop. I have waited here on many occasions. This will take you down to 30th Street Station and Center City. It gets a little sketchy at the trolley stop, but the intersection never stays empty for too long. Plenty of locals skulking about. Every morning I would wait here with the same group to go to work. There would always be a trolley up the hill arriving and one down the hill departing during the morning rush hour. But like I said, the trolley is great in concept, nauseating in reality. It was the main reason I bought a car. A beloved Ford Thunderbird. The right car for Philadelphia.

I drove through the intersection almost as much as walked through it. Drivers should watch out for the trolley tracks, slippery when wet. If you are driving through the intersection you have four choices. East is toward Center City and the old, colonial part of the city. South and especially southwest puts you in the industrial/projects/crazy white people part of the city. Straight west it gets pretty rough. 52nd Street is crazy. This is where aspiring gangster rappers try and earn their street cred. Traveling north is a bit more sedate. There are handsome old houses and many freaks who live in them.

I would be remiss if I did not mention the University of the Sciences directly southeast of the intersection. This is a little city college that can. Every school year a few groups of 'Philly Pharm' students rent houses around 47th and Chester. I always considered these kids to be some of the hardiest students anywhere.

But let us move on down Chester Avenue eastbound, past the park and the VA hospital…

##^^##

What to do when mommy beats you with the cat

Remember to implement the following:

1. Avoid fangs

2. Duck, cover, swing blindly

3. Try to go with the grain of the fur when hit

4. Smile and say 'thank you mummy' after each cat whack

5. Do not forget, you can either jump up to avoid cat swung low or duck down to escape cat swung high

6. Tell mommy where you hid the pills

7. Throw up

8. Remember specific details for the lawsuit

9. Knock head against wall and begin bleeding

10. Say, "My you're frisky this evening miss billingsworth."

The 44 Uses For Sex - #1

Type: Basic

Title: Sex for Love

Purpose: Love is a rare and unstable elixir difficult to conjure and frequently lost. Sex is used to ensnare or enhance love. It intoxicates the object of affection and shows them what they are missing.

Description: This is the most popular use of sex, other than sex for the sake of sex. Demonstrated by how frequently the two are mistaken for each other. It is estimated that 96% of all humans will at some point use sex to capture love. It is also estimated these attempts will fail 87% of the time. Apparently the 13% success rate is worth the trouble.

Formula: A loves B. B likes A. A has sex with B. B loves A.

Representative Example: Bill and Linda hang out in the same group of friends. After six months, they both feel an electricity between them. They start to spend time alone, dance and talk on the phone. This is not enough. They wish to express to each other just how special they feel. They have sex. Upon completion Linda blurts out, "I love you." An awkward pause follows. They both consider what have they gotten themselves into.

History: Easily one of the oldest uses of sex. It almost assuredly predates humans. One can easily envisage a love-smitten proto-human, more monkey than man, using sex to fuel an insatiable desire inside his/her hairy chest.

Sex for love is a universally identified cultural behavior. Every culture, throughout history, has at least one instructive myth in which a god/dess gives it up to get some love.

Strategy: Contrary to popular wisdom, sex cannot change hate into love. Or even indifference into love. One's object must be at least vaguely interested. Efficacious use of this type sex requires frequent and flexible administration. The thicker one lathers it on, the more dazzled the beloved will become.

Positions and Environments: All positions are typical when sex is used to get love. Environments are also highly variable. Extremes range from groping on a tropical beach under a crescent moon to banging behind a dumpster next to a 24 hour convenience store.

Health Issues: Love is a highly contagious sickness. It also possesses physically addictive properties. In rare cases it can be terminal. Love affects one's mental judgment and therefore frequently leads to questionable sexual behavior. More babies and social diseases are born of sex for love than any other kind of sex.

Future Prospects: Sex for love is virtually assured. Love is proven to be the most valuable commodity known to humans and is always in demand.

In the future, it may be possible to go from sex to love faster than ever. Studies show certain types of sex hasten the love journey. Loud and talky sex seem to be very effective. Perhaps soon, the meandering stream between 'throwing down' and 'loving up' will be straighter than ever before.